


Broken homes, lost souls

by dizzydreamerphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Dan gets abducted, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of attempted suicide, Non-Consensual Touching, Phanfiction, Teenagers, Violence, implied mention of rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-14 04:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5729530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzydreamerphan/pseuds/dizzydreamerphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell comes from a home where his mom would rather get high than take care of her son. Phil Lester has a mom who yanks him from place to place, where more drugs and men can be found. These two lost souls have no friends or love, until fate decides to have them meet after Phil starts his new school. A High School setting AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan’s alarm clock was blaring, startling the sixteen year old out of his dream. With a groan, he blindly starting slapping his night table trying to locate the alarm clock. After hitting every object except the clock, he finally managed to knock it off the table where it plummeted to his messy floor and was cut silent. 

Dan managed to fling the covers off and sit up, rubbing at his sleep filled eyes. He knew that if he didn’t get up now, he would never make it school on time. ‘It’s not like I have actual parents or anything that will check in on me,’ he thought bitterly. 

With silent footsteps he opened the bedroom and peered down the hallway. He could hear a tv, muffled. That meant his mom’s boyfriend, Jim, was awake and watching tv in the den. With a silent curse, Dan started to creep down the hallway, praying he could avoid any form of contact.

He safely made it to the kitchen where he looked in the cabinet for his cereal and then the fridge for milk. There was no milk to be found but there was definitely beer. He quickly deduced that it was yet another morning where he would eat dry cereal.With his bowl filled, he turned to leave the kitchen when Jim walked in. 

“I thought I heard your little fairy footsteps,” Jim said with scorn in his voice and a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth. “Off to another day of kiddy school, huh?” He walked to the fridge and grabbed a can of beer and cracked it open.

Dan felt the retort of “off to another day of drunk by seven a.m. huh, Jim?” but held his tongue. The last thing he needed was an argument resulting in a bruise he would have to try to hide. Instead Dan replied with a sarcastic “yep” and brushed past him back to the sanctuary of his bedroom without looking back at Jim.

Quickly locking the door behind him, Dan tried to control his breathing. He hated the way Jim could intimidate him. The encounter this morning was one of the better ones. He remembered one day when Dan did not say 'bless you' after Jim sneezed and he ended up getting a black eye. The man was mean but Dan should be lucky that only six months ago, his mom let her previous boyfriend move in who them promptly started selling drugs from the living room. Talk about a horrible living condition. After scarfing down his dry cereal he jumped in shower, trying to make his skin and hair smell less like the cigarette smoke that permeated the house.

He knew that was why none of the other kids wanted to sit next to him because well, he smelled like a cigarette shop that just burned down. It wasn’t as bad when Dan was younger because none of the other kids really noticed- he didn’t even know he smelled bad. Now, all the kids avoided him and made fun of his smell. He even saw teachers grimace when they came near. He was a boy that was dressed in ratty clothes (that barely fit anymore because they were bought years ago), gave off an odor and had a mom that was a known druggie that slept around a lot. Not exactly someone kids wanted to hang out with and be considered cool.

So yeah, to put it mildly, Dan hated his life. The only thing he knew for certain was that if he kept perfect grades and applied himself, maybe a scholarship was in the future and he could run off where no one would know his backstory. Hopefully he would live a life free of living in fear and getting bullied. 

After toweling himself dry, he got dressed in the same pair of skinny jeans, plain black t shirt, and a ratty pair of shoes that were falling apart. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and after checking he had his books and homework- he locked his bedroom door behind him. (He had learned the hard way that if didn’t lock his door, he might come home to find two men shooting up heroin in his bed. Not something he wanted to deal with again.)

Dan ignored his mom who was passed out on the couch with beer cans, prescription pill bottles, overfilled ashtrays and what looked like a line of cocaine that never got snorted (probably because it was at least the third line of the night). He used to love his mom when he was younger-but she never loved him. Now he looked at her with poorly disguised disgust and resentment. Without a backward glance, Dan slammed the front door and started the walk to school. He took out his bottle of cologne and squirted it on him, making sure to get his hair. Anything to smell slightly better.

He was rounding a corner a couple blocks from school when a silver BMW creeped up next to him. “Hey! Dan!” someone shouted at him. Knowing what was coming, Dan kept his head down and kept walking.

“Dan! How’s your mom doing? I heard she fucked the entire bar on Monday and came back for seconds the next night!” Dan knew that reacting would only egg on Robert, a fellow classmate that was the football quarterback and literally the most popular (and richest) kid in school. He cut his eyes sharply to the right so he could see who else was there. From his vantage point, it looked like Robert, his cheerleader girlfriend Vanessa, and what appeared to be one more person in the backseat.

“Homo-Howell, are you fucking listening to me? You’re mom’s a whore and you’re just like her! Fucked any of the same men yet?” Robert said out the window, while he heard laughter erupting from the car.

Dan knew it was unwise to say anything but he was having a shitty week. Shitty month. Shitty life.

“Hey Robert, why don’t you go fuck yourself? Oh wait, go fuck your teammates. I’m sure you would enjoy an orgy in the locker room.” Shit, why did he just say that? He was in trouble.

Robert slammed on the brakes and quickly opened his car door, rushing out. He grabbed Dan, slamming him against the light pole that was near. “What did your little faggot ass say to me?” Robert’s expensive cologne was so thick that Dan could taste it. ‘Well there is no going back now,’ Dan thought. 

“I said, why don’t you go take it up the ass in the locker room with your friends.” Dan replied, maintaining eye contact. “We all know you would be the bottom, pretty boy like yourself.”

He could somehow sense that he was about to get punched before the fist even collided with his cheek. He fell to the ground with a yelp of pain and received a kick in his ribs. The other guy, who Dan noticed was Jackson, a fellow football player. Jackson had gotten out and pulled his backpack off him, which he then unzipped and proceeded to dump everything out onto the sidewalk and kick it around. 

It would have continued but Vanessa, still in the passenger seat spoke up with a bored tone of “Robert, I need to have my latte before school starts. Let's go.”

With another kick in the side and more taunts, the guys loaded up in the car and sped off. It took a couple minutes to adjust but he was finally able to sit up and slowly start to gather all of his papers and books. He knew he made it worse by responding- but he was growing tired of the same old taunts.

After trying to fix his appearance by using his phone (noting that now he probably would have a bruise start to form on his cheek), he squared his shoulders and continued his walk to school. It was just a regular morning for Daniel Howell.

*  
Phil Lester was nervous. He was starting his third school within the year and you would think with constantly changing schools and homes, that he would be a pro at this. Nope, he was a mess.

He knew that he had to leave his house soon but his stomach was twisted with nerves and he kept biting his fingernails. He was self conscious about his appearance but it was like his mom said “Phillip, stop complaining that you had the same clothes for a couple of years, it’s not like anyone will notice. We aren’t in a place long enough for that to happen.”

Thanks, mom. She was always one to give kind, loving advice. Not. 

His mom spent all the money on her appearance, trying to look like she was wealthy and sophisticated. Phil told her once that she looked like a street prostitute. He got a slap across the face that left an indent from her fake diamond ring. He kept his mouth shut from that point on and never remarked on her outfits. (Though he still didn't know why she got mad. Her outfits were mini dresses, stilettos, and lots of gaudy jewelry. She basically screamed "I fuck men for money and drugs" when you looked at her.) 

He was nervous because he always got asked about his past and those conversations were extremely awkward. Phil doesn’t know why he didn’t lie when asked those questions. At least that way he could reinvent his past and maybe get a chance at having an actual friend, or hell even a boyfriend. But truthfully he didn’t care about making friends anymore. He knew each move was temporary and there was no point in wanting to fit in. He never tried to talk to any of the classmates or even explore the towns. 

Now, here he was. Gearing up for his ninth school. His mom kept saying that this thing with Marco was a “sure thing” and that “this will be our last trip, I know it.” He knew better. It was always a sure thing until the man found a new woman (usually one that didn’t have a kid) or his mom ran out of money to pay for drugs-and sex wasn’t cutting it anymore. You can only freeload for so long, you know? Then she somehow had a new place to move to. He didn’t understand how she knew so many men (in different states too) but she never failed.

With a critical look at his appearance- crooked glasses that slipped down his nose, oily dark hair that had ginger roots slowly breaking through, skinny jeans that had a hole in the knee, and a shirt that was a faded tye-dye- he tied the shoelaces to his old Vans and left his house- his tattered backpack thrown over his shoulder.

His mom was outside the dingy house, talking to a guy in a stained tank top. He had tattoos that covered his arms and was that a teardrop on his face? Phil tried not to stare because he knew that the men his mom stayed with did not like staring teenagers. Phil made an assumption that was Marco, finally stopping by to collect his payment- which was probably sex because they had no money to their name. He was hoping that they would just ignore his passing, but today was not a lucky day.

“Phil, darling." Damn, he was spotted. "This is Marco. He is the one letting us stay in the house. He just wanted to stop in and see how we are.” His mom’s voice was loud and obnoxious, a sure sign that she was pleading with him to be polite or else. He knew that tone of voice his mom used. It normally meant things could go very wrong quick if they weren't careful. 

With a forced smile, he managed to look at Marco and gave a slight nod. He took in the bloodshot eyes and the strong smell of booze. His eyes drifted down and yep, there was a handgun sticking out. Phil mumbled a thank you and started to turn around. He didn’t get very far before a strong hand latched onto his arm and yanked him around.

“Hey boy, look me in the eyes when you speak to me,” Marco growled. His breath smelled like stale cigarettes and beer. Judging by the yellow coating on his teeth, probably hadn’t brushed his teeth in a year. Phil’s mom fluttered behind Marco, trying to defuse the situation.

“Marco, dear. Phil is just shy. He didn’t mean anything by it, did you honey?” Her voice was shrill and nervous. 

“Um yeah. I'm sorry,” Phil said to Marco, who slowly let his grip on his arms slack. He guessed Marco was the type that demanded attention or else.

“That’s better boy. Watch yourself around me, I don’t tolerate snot nose brats that don’t know their place.” Marco pushed Phil away from him and stormed off to the house. 

Phil’s mom was looking at him with a worried expression. For once, Phil thought she was worried about him. “Jesus Christ, Phil! What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Learn some damn respect or you will ruin everything. I have a good thing with Marco.” With a glare at him, she shook her head and stormed off, her stiletto heels clicking on the pavement. 

He didn’t know why he assumed his mom would care about him. She had basically told him many times that he was a mistake and was about to get an abortion but spent the money on some quality drugs instead. She meant to go later when she remembered but it was too late by then. (How do you forget you're pregnant, he wanted to ask.) His mom always picked men over her child and no matter how good Phil was in school or how well behaved he was, his mom could care less.

With a sigh, Phil Lester collected his thoughts and began to walk to his new school. It was basically a regular morning for him.

*  
Dan was sitting in his homeroom, trying to ignore the whispers and laughs from his fellow classmates. News had of course gotten out that Robert beat up Dan and everyone wanted a look. Thankfully he sat at the very back of the room in the corner, with an empty seat next to him. The teacher was getting on to the students that kept turning around to look at him, though not very regularly.

He was staring down when he realized that his jeans had got ripped at the knee when he fell. ‘Fuck, these were my only pair of pants,’ Dan thought angrily. Oh well, it’s not like he had anyone to impress and it was fairly obvious he wore the same outfit everyday.

It was during a long speech about what the Mitochondria does in a cell, when a knock disturbed the room and made Ms. Sanchez stop talking. It was the Dean of Students, Mr. Michael, telling the teacher that there was a new student to meet.

Dan’s school didn’t really get new kids so everyone was rustling around in their seats, trying to peer through the glass to see what they looked like. Dan just went back to doodling on his lab notes because he knew that no one would care to friends with him.

But curiosity got the best of him when the adults walked back in the class with the new student. Dan couldn’t take his eyes off him. He was, well fucking gorgeous. He was tall with dark hair and pale skin. The glasses he was wearing were slightly askew. The boy was nervously looking down at the floor and had his hands in his pockets (though they were contorted in a weird position and somehow still had papers clutched in his fingers).

“Students, please welcome a transfer student from Jefferson Middleton School. Why don’t you introduce yourself to the class and tell us about yourself,” Mr. Michael was saying in his nasally voice.

The boy, still looking down, mumbled something incoherent. The class started to snicker and the new student started to blush. The Dean glared at the students and they immediately fell silent. The student cleared his throat and said slightly louder “My name is Phil Lester and I am sixteen years old.” With that said, he stopped talking and continued to stare at the floor.

The Dean and the teacher was waiting for more, except there wasn’t. 

“Okay, thank you. Everyone please welcome, Phil.” The Dean announced and the kids halfheartedly said, “Hi, Phil.”

“Alright, well,” Mr. Michael cleared his throat again. “Um, Phil, please report back to my office at the end of your day with your schedule signed off by every teacher and remember what I told you about the forms.” Phil gave a nod to acknowledge he understood but otherwise said nothing. “Ms. Sanchez, thank you for allowing this interruption. I’ll let you get back to teaching.” With an awkward nod to the class, he walked back outside.

“Alright, let’s see…” Ms. Sanchez was addressing Phil. “We have three vacant seats that you can choose from so I will let you pick.” At this, Dan quickly went back to doodling, zoning out the conversation. Dan knew that he wouldn’t pick the seat next to him. The other two seats were next to popular kids while Dan had a dark smelly corner. Hopefully Phil would pick the seat by Christine, that way Dan could stare at him without being noticed.

So it was with a shock when the chair next to him moved and the new kid plopped down beside him. He glanced up startled. His brown eyes met Phil Lester’s and holy shit, they were the prettiest blue he ever saw.

The teacher was continuing on her science lecture but the class was distracted yet again by Dan Howell. Whispers and snickers were floating around because seriously, who would choose a seat to Homo-Howell?

Dan didn’t care because Phil gave him a bright smile and said, “hi, my name’s Phil. What’s yours?”

And just like that, Dan’s world changed as he grinned back.

*  
Phil was terrified. This school was small and had no stairs. That was nice, he didn’t want to be pushed down stairs again (which took place at the fifth school). Having a broken ankle was the lesson for being “too gay.” 

He was currently sitting in the office lobby waiting for the Dean to come and show him to the classroom and introduce him. That was probably the worst part of a new school. And of course, he was sure Mr. Michaels? Michael? forgot about him. At this rate, he wouldn’t even make it to first period.

Phil was fidgeting and it was clearly bothering the secretary, who kept giving him reproachful looks over her reading glasses. He assumed the looks were because she had seen his transcripts and took in his appearance. He wanted to speak up and say he didn’t pick his parents and he was sixteen, how the hell is he supposed to buy himself new clothes? He was just so tired of being judged.

With every fidget, the cushioned chair groaned, which made Phil even more conscientious of his movements. It was during an obnoxious creak that the stern secretary got up with a loud sigh and strode down the hallway. She made sure to give him a dirty look when she passed. 'Don't worry,' Phil thought. 'I definitely know you want nothing to do with me.'

When she came back, she was accompanied by the Dean who apologized that he made him wait and introduced himself. With some attempts at humor, to which Phil didn’t bother to really respond to, Mr. Michael fell silent and off they went to his first class, Biology with Ms. Sanchez.

Walking down the hallways, clutching some forms, Phil was trying to put everything to memory and figure out the layout of the school. He realized a little too late that Mr. Michael was trying to tell him something. Jerking himself out of his thoughts, he tried to catch the discussion.

“... the papers you were given. We are still missing a parent’s signature for a couple forms so get that taken care of when you get home. I tried to call your mom, was it? I got a disconnected message.”

“Um,” Phil tried to think of a delicate way to say that she borrowed drug dealers phones and never lived in a place long enough to get a landline. “We had to get a new phone when we moved. I don’t think mom had time to get hers taken care of but mine is still the same so she has been using that. I’ll remind her to set up her phone or call you.” Phil knew that the Dean would never get this information. They might already be moved again in a week, judging by how unstable Marco seemed.

“Make sure you do, we need a direct contact number to her as well as an emergency contact number. Oh, and I noticed there was not an updated address. Ah, here we are, Room 14. Let me get Ms. Sanchez for a quick minute.” And with that, Phil’s day was starting. Trying to control his nerves, he tried to shove his hands in his pockets but forgot he had a handful of forms. Now the papers were all crumpled and were his palms that sweaty?

In what seemed like he was hearing things underwater, he was led into the classroom and forced to introduce himself. With a failed first attempt that had the students laughing, Phil was finally able to unlock his tongue and say his name slightly louder. He was definitely aware of the stares and the awkward pause that followed. His heart was racing and he could feel his whole face burning.He had a vague notion that he did the hands in the pocket thing again. He must look like even more of a weirdo. Why can't he be a normal kid for once?

When Phil realized that he actually had to pick a seat, he was filled with panic. Anxiety kicked in full force because now he was even more on display-the class was waiting for him to decide.

He looked at the first open seat. It was next to a boy in a football t shirt and styled hair. No.

The second option was with a blonde haired girl who was smacking on her gum, examining her nails. Hell no.

The third option was in the back next to a student who wasn’t even paying attention. He was concentrating on writing something and was basically wearing all black. Phil immediately chose him. (Also, didn't hurt that he was cute.) 

He started to walk to the back when he noticed that he drew more attention than before. He could vaguely make out one whisper “oh my god, he is going to sit next to that loser?” and then snickers.

Phil startled the boy who glanced up with surprise. Clearly he was not expecting someone to sit there. Phil gave a smile to the boy and said, “hi, my name’s Phil. What’s yours?”

“Daniel Howell. Dan.” The response was almost whispered as Dan gave a blinding smile back at Phil. It was in that moment that Phil was filled with a want to make him smile all the time and get to know everything about this boy.

And just like that, Phil’s world changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan cannot believe that Phil is willingly wanting to be his friend. Phil cannot believe that no one wants to be friends with Dan. When a class assignment forces them to spend time outside of school, similarities will slowly come to light.

Dan was dying. Was this real life? The new student-Phil, decided to sit next to him in class and was now asking if he wanted to walk to their next class together. Dan decided there must a god because how did they end up getting the exact same schedule? Like okay, this had to be a dream. Nothing good ever happened to him. Dan should pinch himself to check.

Didn’t Phil hear the snide remarks that the classmates were making? Dan was sure that after sitting next to him, the cigarette smoke scent would waft over to Phil and he would then take a good hard look at the kid he chose to sit next to. He would notice all of Dan’s flaws- the dirty clothes that screamed "poor kid" and see the bruise that was prominent on his cheek. I mean, Dan practically looked homeless.

All of these things, coupled with the fact that clearly everyone hated Dan, would mean that the new kid would run like hell. Dan would understand. School was difficult enough without being an outcast loser. Oh, and let’s just add on the gay label! He would like to point out that he never told anyone he was gay so the slurs were not only hurtful but actually true in an ironic way.

But Phil hadn’t ran for the popular life with the cool kids yet, so Dan would make the most of the time he had with Phil.

“Mr. Carlos is horrible! I don’t know why he wants to teach French. French! He is from Puerto Rico for god’s sake and his first language was Spanish! And he forgets that he is supposed to be speaking French and will start talking in Spanish! So yeah, basically I am failing.” Dan was telling Phil. ‘Oh my god, did I really have to add that I was failing? Jesus Christ, try to calm down and not act like an idiot,’ Dan was mentally scolding himself. He finally had someone to talk to and he was probably scaring Phil away with his rambles.

Phil was snorting with laughter though and was giving Dan a bright smile, so whatever. He kept up the tirade against the teacher, gesturing wildly with his hands. He would do anything if it meant Phil would keep smiling at him. No one ever looked at him like that so Dan planned to prolong this moment and burn it into his brain for remembrance. 

The walk to French class was too short in Dan’s opinion. They barely had time to really talk before they arrived.

Mr. Carlos liked to stand outside the door and greet the students. (“Hola, Carly! Oh, I meant Bonjour, Carly!”) Dan shot Phil a look at the greeting they overheard and raised his eyebrows. Phil had to stifle a giggle. Dan was seriously feeling like the funniest person.

“Aha! A new face!” Mr. Carlos basically yelled. “Welcome to French 1. I’m Mr. Carlos, who are you?”

“Phil Lester. Here are my papers that Mr. Michael said you need to sign off on,” Phil was saying shyly to him. He nervously handed the papers over and waited for him to review them. Mr. Carlos looked up then and saw Dan lingering behind Phil.

“Howell. You may go and take your seat.” Mr. Carlos said to him. It was not lost on Dan that the tone was frosty. He might have drawn a picture that depicted the teacher in a… compromising position involving items such as a sombrero and a baguette. And Mr. Carlos might have saw the said hypothetical drawing over Dan’s shoulder. Since then, Dan was pretty much ignored and was shot disapproving looks, which was fine by him.

As Dan took his seat he kept praying that Phil could sit next to him. When Phil was finally done talking to the teacher, he tried to make eye contact with Dan, who looked away real quick as to not appear desperate. 

Next thing he knew, Phil was bounding over and sitting down next to him. When he got comfortable in the desk, he grinned over at Dan, who then felt butterflies erupting in his stomach. For once, Dan was glad that no one was ever seated next to him. He used to have seatmates. Used to. Every kid always complained loudly about him ("He smells!" or the classic "Dan is trying to make me gay!") and picked fights. To make everyone happier, teachers just moved the kids and left Dan alone, which was fine. Who needed friends?

He used the time spent during the lesson to covertly sneak more glances at Phil. He took in the shabby appearance of his clothes- shoes were clearly old and the heel of the right foot had duct tape on it. The boy’s shirt was faded and had a hole near the bottom, though it fitted to his chest quite nicely, Dan thought. The jeans had a hole at the knee with loose threads coming out. He didn’t want to be rude but he knew the signs of being poor, and Phil definitely fit the criteria. 

It was because of his intense scrutiny of Phil that he missed what the teacher was saying. It was only when Phil turned sharply to look at him that he realized something was going on.

“... Assigned pairs for this project will need to work together this week and submit everything to me Friday morning,” Mr. Carlos was saying. Phil was glancing at Dan with hopeful eyes.

‘Not a chance,’ thought Dan. He knew that the students never picked their teams, Mr. Carlos did. Last time there was a project, Dan had to work with Ava, a girl who didn’t contribute a thing and expected Dan to do everything. Once the project was done, she started a rumor that he tried to sleep with her brother. He never even met her brother for fuck’s sake!

All of sudden, he heard Mr. Carlos say his name. He was preparing for the worse.

“Dan Howell. Your partner will be… Phil Lester.”

Holy fuck. This was turning into a surprising Monday.

*  
Phil could not believe his luck. He normally never tried to make friends with anyone but something about Dan made him throw his own rules to the wind. Right now, Biology had ended and Dan had asked Phil what his next class was.

“Um, let me see.” Phil ruffled through the papers given to him that morning. He finally found the schedule and started to read off the list. “Okay, so I had Biology with Sanchez. Next for second period I have French with a J. Carlos…” Phil broke off when he heard Dan’s excited voice.

“That’s my class! Let me see the rest.” Dan leaned over (Phil tried not to have a heart attack at how close Dan was) and read the rest of the classes. “Oh my god-this is insane. We literally have the exact same thing. Literally the same! Which means you have Lunch A, so we can sit together...” Dan stopped talking and gave an awkward laugh. “I mean, you can sit where you want. You don’t have to sit with me.” Dan's eyes were now focused at the wall, steadily avoiding eye contact. 

Phil couldn’t believe it! He was with Dan the whole day and even got to eat lunch together? He always ended up eating lunch alone trying to act like he wanted to be by himself. “Of course I want to sit with you! Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Because, uh, I don’t know if you noticed but I kinda am the school loser and resident weirdo. If you want to actually make friends and be cool, you need to avoid me. It's whatever, you know.” Phil wanted to give Dan a hug so bad after hearing that.

“I made a friend already,” Phil said. “And it’s you.” Dan looked up at these words and his smile was so bright, it put the sun to shame. Phil had to fight down an urge to confess undying love to him and knew that if he didn't stop staring into Dan's eyes, he probably would. “Alright, onto French class!” Phil said in a poor french accent to try to pretend like he was not affected by any of this. He cringed at how horrible he sounded but the laugh that spewed from Dan made him glad he said it.

On the way to class, Phil came to the conclusion that he has never laughed that much before in his life. Dan was regaling him with insane tales of the teacher he was about to meet and Phil’s cheeks were sore from smiling.

“One time, though, he randomly barked while sitting at his desk. Like, what? When he realized people noticed, he tried to play it off as a sneeze. Please, it was a fucking bark. And then one time, I caught him eating an eraser! An eraser, Phil. That can’t digest well. And no, before you ask- it was one of those enormous pink erasers that you give to like a freaking second grader.”

During the rants, Dan was motioning crazy with his hands, which was an endearing quality if Phil ever saw one. Too soon, they reached the classroom where a short, Hispanic man was practically yelling greetings at the students. (“Like I said, no volume control,” Dan muttered to Phil.)

Phil was quickly cornered by the teacher and was it his imagination or did he not like Dan? The tone Mr. Carlos used to speak to Dan was cold. He would have to remember to ask Dan about that later.

“Alright, Dil, was it? You can pick your seat. I don’t really feel like seeing which desks are vacant.” Mr. Carlos was saying while signing one of the forms. “I will give you your textbook at the end of class, we won’t be using it today. I am also in charge of assigning lockers so remind me to get you set up with that. It costs two dollars to rent one. I need the money before you get the lock.” Mr. Carlos was saying all of this at a rapid speed. “Any questions?”

Phil’s brain was overloaded. The only thing he got out was, “Phil.”

“What?” 

“My name. It’s PHIL Lester. Not Dil. It’s on the forms if you need to look at it.” 'Whoa, where did that come from?' Phil wondered. He didn't mean to be rude, it just kind of slipped out.

Mr. Carlos looked at him with an annoyed expression. “Why don’t you go take a seat, Mr. Lester.” And with that, he swept in the classroom, not looking back at Phil.

‘Wow, way to go Phil. Already getting on a teacher’s bad side,’ he thought. He walked in the classroom and quickly scanned the room. Where was Dan? He spotted Dan in the corner and praise Jesus, there was an empty seat there. He practically ran to the seat and threw himself down. ‘Luck was definitely on his side today,’ Phil happily thought.

He was trying to pay attention to what Mr. Carlos was saying but he kept noticing Dan's staring. Normally, Phil would be paranoid that Dan was judging him but he had noticed that Dan wasn’t wearing expensive clothes either. The clothes were clearly years old and had been through a lot. And judging by the bruise on Dan’s face, he didn’t have an easy life. The curiosity was overwhelming, though. What happened?

Trying to focus back on the teacher, he realized that a project was about to be assigned. He had literally been at the school for an hour and already had a freaking project? 

“This project will be to create an original children’s book, entirely in French- with illustrations. You will be describing an event that will have occurred in the life of the character, such as a first day of school, or something similar. At least five sentences per page and a minimum of ten pages. You will be assigned pairs for this project and will need to work together this week. Submit everything to me Friday morning. This will be the rough draft; I will hand everything back Monday. You then have until that Friday for the final project to be completed.” Mr. Carlos was looking around the room and started to name pairs- while writing them down on a piece of paper.

Phil could barely breathe. He did not like assigned pairs because he always got stuck with the worst human being imaginable. One time he got paired with a guy named Jarod- who spit in his face and refused to work with him because he was scared Phil would try to drug and rape him. Did Phil really come off as someone who was skilled in drugging a person? How did he, a fourteen old, even appear to look like a rapist? Jarod made jokes about Phil to everyone and before the week was over, everyone called him Phil Mo'Lester. Haha. Kids are so funny. Thank god he was not at that school anymore.

He was listening intently to everything the teacher was saying now. When Dan’s name was announced, Phil tensed. 'Please, please let him get paired with me,' Phil was practically praying this with fingers crossed.

“Dan Howell. Your partner will be… Phil Lester.” Mr. Carlos was looking at Phil, clearly thinking this was payback for correcting his name earlier and putting him with someone the teacher despised. 

Phil about had a heart attack. This was the best day in the world.

Until he had a dawning realization that they would need to spend time with each other outside of school… Dan couldn't come to his house. Panic set in as he tried to think of how to tiptoe around the issue and try to play it off as no big deal.

*  
Dan was still trying to process what just happened. Phil was his partner for the assignment! 

Mr. Carlos had finished listing all the pairs and was passing out the papers containing the project details to everyone. "Alright, for the rest of the class period, you can move and sit next to your partner. I am allowing you to move desks but before you leave, they will all need to be back in order. Neatly." Mr. Carlos paused and gave the class a threatening look. Dan remembered one time when a kid forgot to turn his desk back around and walked out. Mr. Carlos literally went to the kid's next class and pulled him out so he could straighten the desk. 

After effectively glaring at everyone, Mr. Carlos continued. "This project is not able to be done overnight. So you need to coordinate with your classmate and see about working after school to get everything done. I know that technically you have two weeks to complete it. But keep in mind that if your rough draft on Friday is inadequate, I will not be pleased and you can look forward to a dismal grade."

Dan's breathing cut out for a second. After school? No, no. This can't be happening. There was no way he could bring Phil to his house. I mean sure his bedroom had a lock on the door and if worse came to worse, they could just climb out the window to leave like Dan tries to do everyday... but that would mean Phil would already be at the house. He would just have to announce real quick that he wanted to work at Phil's and leave it. Hopefully Phil wouldn't read too much into that... the bruise on his cheek could even make it look like he got abused at home. 

Once they got their desks facing one another, he started to talk.

"We can't work at my place," they both said in unison.

Well, shit. This just got complicated.

*  
Phil's mind was racing the entire time Mr. Carlos was speaking. 'I will just ask if we work at his place. I can say that since we just moved, nothing is unpacked and we don't have internet... yeah, that sounds like a good excuse. I can use that.' 

After they got situated, he would just bring it up so they can get that worked out.

"We can't work at my place," they both said. Phil looked at Dan, who was staring back with an nervous expression. Neither spoke for awhile. Finally, Phil decided to break the silence.

"My house is a mess right now with the move," Phil lied. It's not like they had much to unpack. Phil's belongings fit in a small duffel bag. "We don't have anything set up and no internet yet. Are you sure we can't work at your place?"

*  
Dan was avoiding eye contact. "Um, my mom doesn't allow me to have anyone over. She sleeps during the day since she works at night." Dan technically wasn't lying- his mom wasn't awake right now- he was sure of that. Working nights? Well, she was normally busy meeting people to buy or sell drugs. That could constitute as being busy.

Phil didn't look quite convinced but thankfully did not comment. 

"Well, can we work at a library? Does the town have one?" Phil questioned.

"There is a library- but it's about a forty minute walk from here. I don't have a car or even a bicycle," Dan responded with a frown. "We can't work at the school library either. Last year, students were staying late and selling drugs. They put a stop to having the library open after school immediately." 

Both students sat and tried to contemplate what to do. Dan knew that his town was literally filled with nothing. It was small, ram-shackled town that had no convenient places to do class assignments. 

'Well, maybe I should just be honest. If Phil doesn't want to be my friend then it's better we get this over with now before I really fall in love with him,' Dan was pondering to himself. He already had a huge crush on Phil but if it all ended poorly, well at least Dan didn't actually get too attached. With an internal sigh, he opened his mouth and told the truth, bracing himself for the judgement.

"Look, okay. I wasn't being completely truthful. My mom doesn't have a job. She is currently passed out on the couch due to a hangover and the side effects of many drugs. We live with a dick of a boyfriend who chain smokes and probably would kill me if has the chance or..." Dan trailed off. He couldn't believe he just said that. He has never confessed anything about his home life- and that was just a quick general overview. He glanced up, expecting to see either pity or disgust in Phil's eyes. What he saw made Dan do a double take.

Phil was smiling?

*  
Okay, so Phil wasn't quite believing Dan's story about his mom working overnights. He knew that was a fake excuse about a parent. Phil had actually told the same thing to a fellow classmate at his previous school. He wouldn't pry though because somethings you don't ask.

When Phil offered up the idea about the library, it was quickly shot down by Dan. Phil was disappointed, but he agreed. He really did not want to walk forty minutes to the library- where you probably had to wait to even get a computer- and the library would close around six o'clock. Not worth it all. They did have a car but it technically wasn't his mother's car. She was a little sketchy on the details and hid the car under a sheet so he learned to not ask questions about how she acquired it. (The front bumper was held on with duct tape and the whole thing was covered in rust. The windows would roll down.. you just had to manhandle them to get back up. And let's not talk about how the thing actually ran. Phil feared for his life when he was in it. He was sure that wherever the car came from, no one wanted it back.)

The next words out of Dan's mouth made Phil straighten up in surprise. He couldn't believe it. How did they share such similar lives? He didn't care that Dan was from a home that was filled with drugs and crazed men. Phil went through the same thing!

He couldn't keep the smile off his face. 

When Dan looked up shyly to judge the reaction, it was clear he was taken aback from Phil's insane grin.

"... Why are you smiling?" Dan asked, slightly defensive. 

'Oh, shit. Dan is going to think I am making fun of him,' Phil quickly thought.

Phil chose his next words carefully. "I am smiling because I understand. My mom is practically a prostitute and we moved here so she can live with a pimp named Marco, who carries a handgun at seven in the morning. I'm sure within the month, my mom will get involved in his drug business that I am assuming he runs."The whole time during Phil's talk, Dan's face took on a look of incredulous disbelief. A short silence fell as both teens processed what they just admitted.

"My house smells like cigarette smoke and weed." Dan randomly said, being the first one to speak.

"The house we just moved into smells like piss and sweat," Phil retorted. "It's not even our house. And I think someone died in the kitchen."

"I have to keep my bedroom door locked at all times or I never know what or even who I might find in there. One time, a homeless man slept in my closet for two days with his pet squirrel. Squirrel's name was Bartholomew."

"One time I had to share a bedroom with a convicted felon who was hiding from the police. His name was Andy and he loved Katy Perry."

Dan and Phil both burst out laughing. 

"So," Phil started. "I really don't mind what your place is like. How about we alternate days?"

Dan agreed to that suggestion, which made Phil happy. They would go to Dan's house today, then tomorrow Phil's. 

Phil had never been happier.

*  
Dan had never spent an entire day at school in the company of another person. It was a surreal feeling. Was this what it was like to have a friend?

He kept trying to keep the sappy look off his face every time Phil spoke. He didn't want Phil to think he was a creep that just kept staring and smiling... but he couldn't help himself. The rest of the day passed relatively uneventful. They went to their classes and were able to be seated next to one another. 

He ignored the stares and the remarks of "looks like Howell has a boyfriend" or a more classy insult of "aw, look at those cocksuckers." Every time a classmate made a rude comment, Dan would immediately look at Phil to judge his reaction. His biggest worry was that Phil would realize what it was like to be friends with him and leave. However, Phil didn't seem to notice or care about the remarks. He still wanted to talk to Dan and be seen with him.

Once school was over, the worry kicked in. Sure, Phil said all of those things about having an awful mom and was subjected to a life full of drugs and terror... but no one had ever set foot in Dan's house. No one actually had seen his living conditions. And here he was, walking down the sidewalk with someone he literally met the same day and was about to welcome him to the shit hole.

"Where did your bruise come from?" Phil inquired, looking over at Dan during a pause in Dan's talking. "It looks fairly recent." 

Dan hesitated. Phil noticed and was quick to tack on "you don't have to answer, I was just curious."

"No, it's okay. I actually got the bruise.. well right over there by that light pole this morning." Dan was explaining and pointed down the sidewalk. "You remember that guy, Robert Clemons? He did that this morning. He likes to bully me." Dan gave a shrug and continued. "Normally, he just yells at me with taunts. Today, I smarted off to him and got a lovely bruise to compliment my face." Dan's voice had taken on a self depreciating tone.

"I once got a broken nose after I told a kid you could get gay germs by touching my saliva," Phil replied. Dan gave a surprised laugh, not expecting Phil to respond with a funny story. "He was a jerk that made my life hell. So one day, I spit in my hand and walked right up to him and rubbed it all his face and told him he was now gay." Phil started to laugh, "It was definitely worth getting punched! You should have seen his face. Priceless."

By making more jokes, they arrived at Dan's house. Dan critically eyed the structure. It was a double wide trailer that used to be white but had suffered so much neglect, the outside was a brownish yellow. It used to have skirting, but that was now missing- making the bricks that the trailer sat on exposed. The stairs leading to the front door were crooked and missing railings. There was beer bottles scattered around the yard's high grass. The outside was embarrassing enough, now he would have to lead Phil through it.

He steadfastly refused to meet Phil's eyes and kept walking to the front door, praying no one would bother them.

*  
Phil was thrilled. This was the best day of his life. The more time he was able to spend with Dan reaffirmed his belief that Dan was the greatest person in the world. He always had a joke on hand and could make Phil almost cry with his laughter. 

He wasn't deaf to the remarks or blind to the stares. He definitely heard all the rude insults about Dan and him. He noticed that it made Dan nervous each time someone said something obscene and he would glance at Phil to judge his reaction. Phil was used to comments like this so he pretended as if he didn't hear them. After awhile, Dan relaxed and did not seem to be worried about it anymore.

When school finally ended, Dan told Phil that he only lived about ten minutes away at the most. It was a pretty easy route and time was flying by. Phil would honestly not mind walking an hour if it meant Dan could stay by his side and keep talking.

Finally though, Phil had to ask about the bruise. It had gotten worse and was now an ugly shade of color that stood out in sharp contrast to Dan's pale coloring. The response that it was actually done by Robert this morning was a bit of shock. Clearly, Dan was uncomfortable talking about it so he quickly threw out a story of his own involving the spit hand to one of his most hated classmates. Dan's blinding smile at Phil was worth it.

The smile quickly faded when they approached Dan's home. Dan immediately stopped smiling and his whole body seemed to give off a look of one who is trying to be invisible.

Phil looked at the trailer and it reminded him of a place he lived in for about a month when he was twelve. He wanted to tell Dan this but realized it could almost seem like Phil was pitying Dan. So, he kept his mouth shut and followed Dan down the overgrown driveway. When they climbed the stairs to front door, Dan turned to Phil and told him to wait.

He disappeared into the house and as the door closed behind Phil, he got the whiff of booze and cigarettes. After a quick minute, Dan returned. 

"Follow me," Dan whispered to Phil. He led Phil inside and closed the door. Phil could barely see anything- the windows were blacked out and a person's snoring could be heard. Dan grabbed Phil's hand (Phil had to contain a squeal of happiness at that) and walked him through what Phil assumed was the living room. In the dim lighting, he saw a table covered in trash and a figure sleeping on the couch. He wasn't able to get a look at who it was before he was dragged down a long hallway. They reached the end, where Dan finally let go of Phil's hand to unlock a door. 

When Phil entered Dan's bedroom, it was like being in a different place. The air was much cleaner and the sunlight was pouring in through the window. He noticed a Muse poster on the wall. He turned when Dan locked the door behind them.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. Normally, I leave my window cracked and climb in through that. But I shut it last night since it was raining." Dan's voice was a mix of embarrassment and shame.

Phil wanted to make Dan smile again. He cast his eyes around again and said, "so you like Muse, huh?"

And just like that, Dan's tension seemed to melt away and was back to the boy he knew. Something told Phil that everything would be alright.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan loves having a friend while Phil finds that not everyone wants him to be friends with Dan. Both agree sleepovers are great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so this story is turning into a much different one than planned. Be warned, hard times are coming up. I will be making sure I add on trigger warnings before so please pay attention!!

Dan was laying in his bed, trying to wrap his head around the day he just had. Could it be that just an hour ago he was sneaking Phil out of the bedroom window and exchanging promises to see each other tomorrow? What was his life?

He would have loved nothing more than to take Phil's hand and escort him home but Phil had just smiled and said there was no need for Dan to go to any trouble. No matter how persistent he was, Phil refused- but gave the promise of next time. (His crush on Phil was now so enormous that he was sure his heart eyes could be noticed from space. God, Dan was such a sap and they just met.)

With a smile permanently fixed on his face, Dan cocooned himself in his old bed sheets and closed his eyes, replaying the entire day.

They were supposed to be working on the project but had gotten distracted quickly when Phil had asked Dan if he liked Muse. ("Do I like Muse? Uh, let's just say that Matt Bellamy could literally shit down my throat and I would thank him for the honor.") From there it progressed to other interests and they even managed to get around to discussing Phil's hatred of cheese.

"How do you not like cheese?" Dan asked Phil, horror coloring his words. "Like cheese is the greatest food ever and you are over here saying it's gross. Uh, are you even human? Do you even human?" He demanded dramatically.

"I like cheese when it's on a pizza," Phil said, laughing at how serious Dan was being.

"What! That makes you no sense, you spork. It's still cheese!"

"It tastes different!" Phil was trying to defend himself.

Dan immediately repeated the words back at Phil in a mocking tone, "It tastes different." Switching back to his normal voice Dan continued. "That makes no sense. It's cheese on some dough. It's not like the cheese magically transforms into something else!"

At this point, Phil had leaned over and gave Dan a playful shove, pushing the teen off the bed. Dan, not expecting that, made an ungraceful heap on the floor. Apparently his face was so comical, it left Phil choking with laughter. Dan, trying to maintain some dignity, had tried to bounce back up in a swift agile moment.... however, he ended up stepping on the French textbook he had haphazardly thrown on the floor. The glossy cover of the hardback book gliding over the carpet took Dan by surprise as his foot slid out from under him. He ended up yet again, flailing his way back to the floor.

Phil was laughing so hard at this point that he was clutching his sides and literally crying. "Oh my god, Dan, please stop. Your face!" Phil was wheezing out the words, completely out of breath. "Your face was priceless. I can't believe I got to witness that. Oh my god, I can't breathe." Phil collapsed sideways, trying to muffle his laughter into the mattress.

Dan just stood up and glared at Phil with his hands on his hips.

When Phil peered back up at Dan and took in his stance, it renewed the giggles until Phil was now thrashing on the bed. His face was completely red. Dan thought there never was a prettier sight that that.

"Are you done yet? I can leave and come back," Dan asked Phil. He had a smile on his face watching Phil's antics.

Phil was now taking deep breaths and trying to compose himself. "Yeah, please don't fall anymore though. I think I am about to have a heart attack."

"It would serve you right if you did. You pushed me so all blame would fall to you if you died," Dan said. He was shaking his head at Phil, who was staring back at him with such a sweet smile. "You are a dick, you know that?" Dan was re-positioning himself on the bed, paying extra attention for any hidden dangers lurking.

"I'm sorry, Dan, truly. I only meant to give you a little nudge. I didn't expect you to go flying. And then you slid on the book? I wish I had that on camera though. It was probably the greatest thing I have witnessed."

"Yeah, yeah. I bet." Dan rolled his eyes at Phil. "Now that I have provided you with the entertainment of the night (Phil started to snicker again), we should probably discuss the French project."

"You're right," Phil gloomily agreed. "I really don't know a lot of French. I moved around so much that I don't think I have ever taken a full class before."

Dan knew Phil had already been to nine schools so it didn't come off as a surprise to hear that. Dan barely knew French and he had been there since day one. It's not his fault that Mr. Carlos was his teacher. He remembered the second week of school- he taught everyone that ¿Cuál es tu número de teléfono? was French. How were they supposed to know it was Spanish? It was only after a girl asked what part of the textbook that could be found in- the mistake was then caught. But hey, on the bright side he could ask a Spanish speaker what their telephone number was. They never did get around to learning that in French though, now that Dan thought about it.

Telling Phil it wasn't a big deal, he pulled out the assignment instructions and they poured over the words, each trying to think of an idea.

"Okay, so he gave an example of a first day of school. I know it's cliche, but we just stick to that?" Phil suggested. "I mean, most kids have pretty simple experiences, right? And it would take a basic knowledge of French."

If the first day of school was anything like Dan's, then yeah it was forever remembered. He definitely did not want to do that idea.

"Yeah, something tells me that my first day of school would not make for a good children's book," Dan muttered. He glanced up and saw Phil looking at him inquisitively. "What?" Dan tried to brush off the remark he just made. "It was just a boring day, that's all."

Phil was staring at him with a warm expression. "What happened?" He asked, his voice was soft as if he didn't want to scare away the fragility that was Dan.

With a sigh, Dan started talking. "Okay, so I was pretty excited for my first day. I loved to read books and I couldn't wait to make some friends." Here, Dan gave a sarcastic laugh. Friends, yeah right. "So, I am so excited that I can't really sleep. I was wide awake in the morning and I was waiting for mom to come get me. She didn't. I ended up walking out of my room to find her passed out in her bed. I didn't really understand a lot of things then, you know? I just knew that some times when mom would drink the stuff that didn't smell good she became a different person. I couldn't wake her up- I left and ended up trying to eat breakfast. Couldn't really reach cabinets or cook so I wasn't able to find anything."

Dan looked up and met Phil's eyes. There was understanding in those blue eyes so Dan continued.

"I was so worried I was going to be late and I couldn't just walk by myself. I didn't know the way and that was scary. I tried everything to wake her. Finally, after a couple hours, I poured water on her face. Desperate times. She woke up pissed. Like insanely pissed. Needless to say I went to school extremely late with a red mark on my face and bloodshot eyes from crying. Mom walked me to my class and had basically screamed at me the whole way and everyone heard her. I didn't have lunch packed and when we went to the cafeteria- I had no money to pay for food. I started to cry and a lunch lady actually gave me the food. At this point, kids were giving me a wide berth. I didn't have any of the required school supplies either. Kids had pencils and shit- I had an empty backpack. Honestly, it was an awful day. It just got worse every day." Dan let out a huge sigh after rushing through the explanation and laughed sarcastically. "So yeah, that's that."

He was embarrassed that he just confessed that to Phil. God, he was so fucking pathetic.

Phil leaned over and put his hand on Dan's knee. That was so expected that Dan almost flinched from the contact.

"Thank you for telling me that, Dan. I understand completely. My first day wasn't that bad- I can't really remember. I guess that means nothing traumatic happened, huh?" After Phil finished speaking, he removed his hand and Dan felt empty without the contact. He can't remember when another person had touched him in a nice way.

They were staring into each other's eyes- it was like the moment was frozen in time and there was nothing else in the universe except them. Just two boys sitting across from each other on a bed. But every spell gets broken at some point.

The sound of banging and yelling startled them. Dan quickly glanced over at his door making sure it was still locked. "Sorry to cut this short, but I think we should probably get you home. I have a feeling this is a bad night." Dan worried his bottom lip with his teeth.

As if he was a fortune teller, the boys heard Jim's voice booming through the house.

"You stupid fucking bitch! You think I wouldn't find out about you screwing him? Who the fuck do you think I am?" The sound's of a woman's voice could be heard yelling back but the words were indecipherable due to the sound of breaking glass accompanied with an object being slammed.

Dan was quick to jump to his feet and yanked Phil off the bed. "Alright, Phil, sorry but you really need to leave now," Dan pleaded. They quickly gathered all of Phil's things and and Dan opened the window. "Ok, so here is how the window thing works. Step on the table and throw your leg over. I have placed a chair outside that you can step onto. It looks unstable but trust me, I have been doing this for years so it works."

And with that, Phil climbed out the window and turned to face Dan.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" Dan asked.

"Oh, no! It's fine. It's a short walk, don't worry. Are you going to be okay, though?" Phil worriedly asked.

Dan gave a shrug. "Oh yeah, they probably ran out of drugs so I'll probably have the house to myself tonight and tomorrow. This argument usually happens every other week. They leave and hole up with some dealer or something, I don't know. But really, you need to go before Jim sees you. Tonight wouldn't be the best night."

With more denied requests to accompany Phil on his walk home, he watched Phil trudge down the driveway. Phil turned when he reached the road and gave a wave, making Dan's heart flutter. He sank back onto his bed and just stared at the ceiling, ignoring the screaming.

With a jolt of surprise, he realized that he was looking forward to school tomorrow.

*  
Phil was waiting for Dan outside of school the next morning. He could barely sleep because he kept replaying everything over and over. His face would automatically break out in a smile when he remembered the moment that he got called a spork.

They did not work on their project at all, really. They did discuss the first day of school idea and Phil completely understood Dan's adamant refusal. During Dan's story, Phil's heart was aching. He wanted to wrap him in a hug and hold him tight.

He kept trying to think of an idea for the book but kept drawing blanks. He had been hoping that in the ten minutes sitting on the small brick wall that he would have had an idea already. Phil was lost in this thoughts and did not notice that someone had drawn near Phil until they starting speaking.

"So you're the new fag, huh?" A voice asked, jerking Phil from his thoughts. Phil looked up, startled. He met the cold eyes of Robert Clemons.

"Can I help you?" Phil replied politely, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice.

Robert leered down at him. "I asked if you were the new resident fairy. I see you're hanging out with Howell. Looks like he finally found a boyfriend."

Phil didn't quite know how to respond. "I am hanging out with Dan. We're friends."

Robert leaned down so close, Phil could smell his breath. "Because, asswipe, I hate Dan. I hate gays. So you see, I hate him twice the normal amount." At this point, Robert yanked Phil up by the hair. "You better watch yourself, new kid or you'll be sorry. Your pretty face won't last too long. Stop hanging out with that homo." Robert pushed Phil back down and walked away, laughing.

With his heart racing, Phil tried to collect himself. What was it about Phil that made people hate him? He was always so nice to everyone, yet people treated him like trash. He looked around the area and noticed all the happy groups of friends laughing together and enjoying their time of freedom before classes. Phil never knew what that was like, to be in a group. He heard his name being called. He turned and saw Dan, quickly walking towards him, a huge smile plastered on his face. Phil felt his own face returning the smile and he started to walk towards Dan, needing to close the distance faster. Maybe this was the only 'group' Phil needed.

Both were slightly out of breath when they met. Phil didn't know why he was so shy all of a sudden. He started to blush. He noticed that Dan looked especially good this morning with his hair perfectly straightened and swept to the side and his brown eyes almost sparkling in the light.

"You look nice this morning." Phil blurted out.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at the outburst. "Really? I'm literally wearing like the same outfit as yesterday."

"Well, that doesn't mean you don't look nice," Phil responded. 'Oh my god, I need to stop talking,' Phil was screaming to himself.

Dan looked down at the ground and Phil noticed that it was to hide him smiling. "Alright, Phil, let's get inside. School is about to start." He swayed his body so his shoulder bumped into Phil's. Phil smiled at the contact and nudged Dan back. They both giggled and shared another shy smile.

They were walking to the main entrance of the school when he felt like he was being watched. He turned his head, only to see Robert standing off to the side with a couple other guys. Robert was shaking his head at Phil and when they made eye contact, Robert made a slicing motion with his hand at his neck. Phil quickly averted his eyes and kept walking, praying that Robert was just acting tough and trying to scare him. He looked at Dan and stared at the bruise on the cheek, which had turned a dark purple with a hint of green. He couldn't stop the feelings of dread that crept up and lingered with him all the way to class.

The rest of the day passed uneventful. French class involved working on their project, which they still didn't have an idea. They pretended to be busy every time the teacher glanced their way but truthfully they were detailing their love for bands such as My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy.

In Language Arts class, Phil was called over the intercom to Mr. Michael's office after class. He realized all too late that the forms that needed his mom's signature were still shoved in his French textbook in his backpack. He quickly yanked out the book and pulled out the papers. Dan, who was watching his movements, leaned over to ask what was wrong.

"I needed my mom's signature on these forms and my address." Phil gave Dan a hopeless look. "I don't even know my address. And I forgot to actually fill anything out."

Dan looked thoughtful and pulled out his phone. "Describe where you live."

"Um, I think it's called Barley Street? It has a church on the street? The house is like a faded pink brick." Phil watched in amazement as Dan's fingers flew over the keys, his phone hidden under the desk.

Dan wrote down an address on a piece of paper and handed it to Phil. "There you go."

Phil was amazed. "Is that the correct address?"

Dan showed Phil his phone. "Is this the house?" Well damn. Yeah. At Phil's expression, Dan smirked and put his phone away. "It's a small town. I have been down that street before and it had a 'For Sale' on it about a month ago. It's listed on the realty site now as 'Sold.'" Dan slid his phone back into his pocket went back to staring at the teacher.

 Phil scribbled the address down and went about looking at the rest of the forms, filling in information. The only thing left was his mom's signature. He quickly forged it and folded the papers back up. It was a good thing he has had many years to perfect her signature. He can't remember the last thing she actually signed for him. When the bell rang, Phil said goodbye and walked to the front office. He passed by the secretary, who gave him a glare. She definitely held a grudge.

Mr. Michael's door was open and he was typing on his keyboard. Phil knocked on the door, making Mr. Michael pause. "Ah, Mr. Lester!" Mr. Michael exclaimed. "Come in, come in. Close the door and have a seat."

Once seated, Mr. Michael asked Phil how he was settling in to school.

"It's going okay," Phil replied. "I made a friend already."

"That's wonderful! Which class mate is it?" Mr. Michael asked with an encouraging smile.

"Dan Howell."

The silence that fell in the small office left Phil confused. Mr. Michael looked uncomfortable and just cleared his throat. "Right." He shuffled some papers on his desk. "Were you able to get the forms taken care of for me?"

Phil was confused and annoyed at the reaction he got when mentioning Dan. "Yeah, I brought the forms." He handed the papers over. "Why did mentioning Dan make you uncomfortable?"

The Dean looked awkward. "Well, I don't know if you know anything about his, uh, lifestyle but I would recommend branching out and... hanging out with a different crowd."

Phil gritted his teeth. "Lifestyle?" He was not about to let this go. If he was referring to Dan's sexuality (even though that subject hadn't come up), Phil was not backing down. "You know, I thought faculty members were supposed to be supportive of all students, not just the straight ones. For you to sit here and verbally discriminate again Dan, is grounds for a complaint to the school board for being homophobic. I share in his 'lifestyle' and I am offended."

Phil had crossed his arms over his chest and tried to look as tough as possible. Mr. Michael sat, taken aback at the outburst. His mouth was slightly open with shock. "Um, you won't need to report me for being homophobic... I didn't know that Daniel was a," he paused. "A homosexual. I was merely referring to the accusations about his drug use."

Phil went to interrupt but Mr. Michael held up a hand. "Now, I have had him in my office many times and tried to have talks with him about the negative effects of doing drugs but he will not listen to me-"

"Of course he doesn't listen! He doesn't do drugs!" Phil quickly shot out. "You seriously have no idea what you're talking about. Should you even be in control of students?"

Mr. Michael did not find that remark amusing. "I have been the Dean of this school for well over ten years so I think it would be safe to say I know more than a sixteen-year old boy would." He opened up a desk drawer and pulled out a slip of paper. "I'm writing you up for insolence."

Wait, what? "You're writing me up? All I did was try to correct you about a situation that you clearly know nothing about."

"This is a warning write-up. If you keep arguing with me, I will set the punishment to suspension." Mr. Michael scrawled his signature at the bottom of the page and handed Phil the carbon copy. "I don't know how you behaved in your previous schools but judging from your actions today, I see it's clear that you're a susceptible youth. A bit of friendly advice, Dan Howell will corrupt you and soon, I'll get a phone call that you overdosed in the gym bathroom with him. I'll be watching. You may get a note from Sheila and go back to class."

He turned back to his computer and ignored the angry and confused teen sitting in his office. Phil stared at the slip of paper in his hands. He had never been given a referral before and even though it was just a warning, he felt like a failure. All he tried to do was defend Dan and now the Dean hated him. Realizing that Mr. Michael wanted nothing else to do with him, he picked up his backpack and walked out of the room.

Sheila, the secretary, reluctantly wrote him an excuse note for being tardy to class. She ripped of the slip of the paper and handed it to Phil over the counter.

"Thank you," Phil told her. He got no response. Why are these people even working at a school if they hate kids?

The walk back to class was short, but Phil walked extra slow to give himself time to think. He couldn't believe that the Dean could be so stupid. Why did he think Dan did drugs? Was he just saying that because Dan's mom did drugs? That doesn't mean anything! And why wouldn't Dan try to correct this mistake? If someone thought he was doing drugs he would make sure the truth was revealed. Phil realized that now, two people were upset he was hanging out with Dan- Robert and Mr. Michael.

He finally made it to Algebra 2 and handed over the note to Mr. Brown, the math teacher. He just hummed in response and motioned for Phil to take his seat. Dan was looking at Phil with a worried expression. Already, they had learned to read each other facial expressions.

The class dragged on until finally, the bell rang. Students slammed their textbooks shut and stampeded to the door, eager to get to the cafeteria before the food ran out.

Dan grabbed Phil's elbow. "Hey," he said softly. "Is everything okay?" Phil nodded and just said that they would talk at lunch. After waiting forever in the long line, they left the cafeteria and settled themselves against a wall outside with their dismal lunch.

Dan, poking at this meatloaf, looked at Phil and said, "I think it just blinked at me. I swear, this food comes from a nuclear plant's waste." Phil cracked up at that and agreed. The food was awful but hey, at least Phil had food.

"So," Dan started to speak. "Howdiditgowiththedean?" His mouth was stuffed with meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Phil just looked at him, waiting for Dan to actually swallow his food and talk, like a proper person.

 "I said, how did it got the Dean?" Dan repeated.

"Ohhhh, is that what you said? I thought you were quoting Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream." Phil quipped at Dan.

"Fuck off." Dan said, laughing, rolling his eyes at Phil.

Phil stared at the ground, With a deep breath, he asked- "why is the Dean so sure you do drugs?"

Dan blinked, his fork halfway to his mouth. He set his fork down and slowly asked why that was a topic in the meeting.

"He asked me who my friend was. When I said you, he got all weird. Next thing I know he is saying that I need to stay away from you because you are a known drug addict and then he wrote me up for telling him he was stupid. Well, I mean- I didn't actually use that word. It was implied though."

"I don't do drugs; in case you're wondering." Dan said matter of fact like.

"No, really?" Phil sarcastically said.

"Shut up, smart ass. Well, it was about my seventh grade year when I really started getting bullied. My mom actually had gotten arrested after she hit a light pole while driving drunk. She practically blacked out the entire side of town. Everyone knew about it. Robert, he was just now starting to really hit puberty and rise to popularity, latched on to that story and tormented me daily. I embarrassed him in front of the class one time, I forget what really happened, but he took it personally. Next thing I knew, he was saying how he saw me with drugs. I got searched and they didn't find anything."

Dan stopped talking. Phil was confused. That's it?

"Nothing happened for a while. Then a teacher is asking me to open up my backpack. I do, and there are like three packs of cigarettes and a joint. I don't know how they got there. I'm freaking out. I get detention for two days and the rumors were swirling about me. Kids are saying how I sell drugs with my mom. Who had just been arrested for possession of cocaine, ironically enough. The Dean is asking me all sorts of questions, demanding to know the truth. He kept getting reports about me having hard drugs- yet every time they searched me, nothing was found. Until I got caught with heroin, cocaine, and speed. I got pulled in by the police and they wouldn't believe me.

All of a sudden, they let me go. I was confused. I see Robert in the waiting room, smirking at me through the glass. Apparently, he told his dad (who just so happens to be the sheriff) that he actually planted the drugs on me after taking them from the evidence room. His dad, wanting to cover this up, let me go without anyone knowing details. I was so scared during the whole ordeal. The dean never forgot and til this day, believes I either do drugs or sell them. I hate this place." Dan finished morosely.

"Whoa, that is seriously the worst thing I have heard." Phil was horrified. "And Robert did all that? Seriously evil for someone that young. Why did he even bother to confess?"

"I guess he wanted to prove to me that he could scare me and get revenge. He wanted me to always be looking over my shoulder. And it worked. Plus, with me gone, who can he bully?"

Phil remembered the threats Robert made to him earlier. Maybe he should tell Dan about it. He decided to tell him later. "I did accidentally let it slip that I'm gay to the Dean, though," Phil confessed to Dan, laughing, changing the subject.

"Oh, yeah?" Dan asked grinning. "I'm sure he regretted asking you to stop by today. You think I should pay him a visit and tell him I also wave a rainbow flag when I snort coke?"

"Something tells me he would probably expel you," laughed Phil. "Drugs and men, a bad combo if any. You're bad news, Howell." They both starting laughing at that.

Their bodies shifted closer, pressing their sides together. Phil loved the contact and knew that no matter how many people hated him because was friends with Dan, it didn't matter. He saw movement in his peripheral vision and when he turned his head, he saw a flash of a red football jersey rounding the corner out of sight. Pushing the worry away, Phil forced himself to forget about it and enjoy the next twenty minutes with Dan.

*

 Dan had such a wonderful day at school. He was overjoyed to be able to connect with someone and not be alone. There were a few minutes left before the closing bell would ring, signaling an end to the school day. His knee was bouncing and he was tapping his fingers on his desk.

He looked over at Phil, amazed that he hadn't ran for the hills after all Dan had been confessing lately. They were going to Phil's house after school to work on the project and Dan couldn't wait to be in Phil's bedroom and get to see who he was in his own space.

The bell finally ran and Dan shot up, ready to put distance between him and the school. Phil was a little slower.

"Oh my god, my backpack is killing me. I need to get a locker," Phil was complaining to Dan. "It's five hundred pounds right now."

"I think you're slightly over exaggerating, Phil. And why don't you get a locker from Mr. Carlos?"

Phil grumbled. "I don't even have two dollars. That's how pathetic I am."

Dan smiled, "You're not pathetic. Why don't you just share mine?" Phil's whole face seemed to light up. "Really? Yes, please."

They went to Dan's locker and Phil immediately took everything out of his background except the French textbook. After everything was shoved in, Phil picked up the backpack, letting out a moan of satisfaction. Dan's face heated up at the sound. His body definitely was aware of Phil.

Once that was settled, they started to walk to Phil's house. The walk was comfortable, both teens content with the company of one another. Once they reached Phil's house, Dan realized that he was slightly nervous, not knowing what to expect. When they set foot inside the house, Dan noticed the musty smell that rose up to greet you. Dan recalled Phil saying it smelt like sweat and piss. Huh, yeah, he could see that. The house wasn't terrible, just very small.

At first Dan thought they were alone until he heard some rustling in the kitchen. A woman, who Dan assumed that was Phil's mom, popped her head out of the kitchen entrance. "Phil, you're home." She stared at Dan. "And who is this?" Her voice was rough and she looked unkempt. Her brown hair was short and frizzy and her eyes were a dull blue, nothing like the vivid color of Phil's. He tried not to stare but her outfit drew his eyes. She had an electric green mini dress (was it leather?) with high heels and her cleavage spilling over. It was such an unexpected house attire that it left Dan momentarily dazed.

Phil, reaching back and grabbing Dan's hand, started pulling Dan down the small hallway. "Dan." That was what Phil quickly shot to his mom as they scurried to the bedroom. Once safe in the bedroom, Phil let go of Dan's hand. Dan couldn't help reflecting that he did the exact same thing yesterday with Phil. He hoped Phil missed the contact as much as he did.

Dan started looking around the room. There was hardly anything on the walls, or even in the room. It just consisted of a bed and a small dresser. It was such a sad room, Dan thought.

Phil had been watching Dan. "I'm sorry," he spoke up and said. "I know it's small and there isn't anything in here. It's just, once you move so many times, you learn not to get attached to anything."

"Don't worry, Phil. I'll draw you some pictures if you want and you can hang them on the wall." Dan smiled over at Phil. He would draw Phil so many pictures, it would cover every inch of this room.

"I would like that," Phil shyly said. They pulled out their textbooks and got to work.

*

It was around eight o'clock when Dan said he probably should get back home. Phil could hardly believe that time had flown by so soon. He had been enjoying the evening and wished time would stop. "You can stay, if you want." Phil practically yelled at Dan, his voice high with nerves.

 Dan paused in his movements. "What do you mean, stay?" he asked slowly.

"You can eat dinner and spend the night." Phil was saying. He didn't want Dan to go and the sleepover idea just kind of happened.

Dan was silent for a few minutes. "I would like that but... I didn't bring any clothes to sleep in or stuff to shower with." Phil was elated! Dan wanted to stay.

Phil rushed over and opened a drawer. "Here, you can borrow these pajamas. I have a lot. I love pajamas... and socks. You can go through all my clothes and find some that you want to wear. You can use my shower stuff and we can find some food for dinner and breakfast." Phil's voice was breathless; he was hoping he wasn't scaring Dan off.

Dan didn't seem to notice and tore into Phil's closet. "Can I wear this shirt tomorrow for school?" he asked, showing Phil his black shirt with white ghosts on it. Phil grinned, that was such a Dan shirt. Phil readily agreed and just like that, they were settling in for a sleepover.

They went out to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Well there is some fruit..oh no, it's rotten now. Oh, a pizza box- never mind it's empty..." Phil was muttering to Dan. There wasn't a huge selection of anything.

"I can cook something for you." A voice said behind them, startling them so bad that Phil slammed his head on the roof of the fridge.

They turned to see Phil's mom standing behind them. Phil knew he looked shocked. His mom was home this late and wanted to cook for them? Was this even real life? She even changed into jeans and a shirt. Phil was so confused.

Dan glanced at Phil, wondering why Phil hadn't responded yet. "Um, sure," he said, quickly. "I don't think we have anything to eat though..."

His mom was searching through the cabinets. She turned, holding a box of spaghetti and a can of sauce. Well, looks like dinner was decided then.

*

Dan was seated at the table in the kitchen, watching Phil watch his mom. He was assuming that this was not a regular thing at all. The air was awkward, as no one was making any attempt at conversation. Phil's mom was concentrating over the food, though it was literally just boiling pasta. Anything to avoid conversation, it seemed.

 He used the silence to think about how everything was playing out so far. He had been dreading going home, especially since it was now dark and Phil lived in a rough neighborhood. He was so surprised when Phil offered the sleepover idea. Phil didn't need to know how his heart practically shot up into his throat, momentarily choking him silent with shock. He never had a sleepover before. How does one react in this situation? Dan tried to hide his happiness that he was allowed to wear Phil's clothes. Somehow, that just cemented in the fact that Phil liked him as a friend. Friends share things and do sleepovers. It was great.

And now, still in a surreal moment, Phil's mom was finishing up the food and calling them over to start to get their plates ready. Once food was on everyone's plate, they sat down at the table. And Dan thought it couldn't get any more awkward.

"So Phil, how is school?" his mom asked awkwardly, twirling spaghetti on a fork. Phil shrugged and continued eating, not answering the question.

She didn't seem surprised by that response. The only sounds were utensils scraping plates and the soft sounds of chewing. Phil randomly spoke up after a bit. "It's fine." And just like that, conversation was over. It was a relief to finish eating and escape back to the bedroom.

"Who the hell was that woman?" Phil was saying to Dan. "I can't remember the last time she cooked dinner and we ate together." He was staring at the door as if he could still see her sitting at the table.

 Dan left Phil to his thoughts. He knew how much a change in a routine can be confusing. Hell, if his mom starting cooking dinner or even speaking to him, he would probably call the police and try to Baker Act her. He looked at the clock, seeing it was now almost ten o'clock. Dan wondered if he would even be able to sleep or would he just stay up all night, thinking about Phil's body next to him.

Phil's voice broke through the silence. "Do you like to shower in the morning or at night?" Dan normally showered in the morning but only because he tried to smell slightly better. Phil's house wasn't terrible with smoke though...

"Would you mind if I showered tonight?" Dan asked.

"Sure! That works out great because I like to shower in the morning!" Phil got excited over the smallest things. He showed Dan how to work the shower and got him a towel. Dan was such a creep that he enjoyed smelling all of Phil's products. Phil had an apple shampoo that Dan realized he always seemed to get a whiff of. It was nice. Once he dried off, he got dressed in Phil's pajamas. These were a pretty basic pair- he noticed that Phil seemed to want to wear cookie monster pajamas tonight.

Phil was already changed, sitting up in bed. Dan, trying to not be awkward, climbed in next to him. Phil started to yawn and Dan was so thankful he was getting to experience this. Phil made sure the alarm was set and soon turned out the light.

They laid down in bed, giggling when they accidentally elbowed or kneed each other trying to get comfortable. Finally, they were still and the only thing heard in the dark room was soft breathing.

"Goodnight, Dan." Phil's sleepy voice washed over Dan.

Being grateful no one could see his expression, Dan returned the goodnight and soon drifted off the sleep.

*

Phil woke up before his alarm went off. That was unusual because he never did that. Some days he would sleep through the alarm the first time. He wondered what woke up?

He realized that he woke up because he barely had a blanket. He sleepily reached out his arm, trying to locate the blanket. His hand made contact with something warm. Phil froze, that was definitely a person in bed with him. His sleep filled mind was trying not to panic. Phil's brain finally caught up and he remembered that Dan was in his bed. He sat up, trying to see through the soft morning light. Dan had wrapped himself up in the blanket, almost like a little burrito, Phil thought affectionately.

 Well, no matter how cute he was, Phil still wanted to get that hour of sleep in. Very softly, as to not wake him, Phil gently pulled some blanket back over him and curled back up, drifting back to sleep.

When his alarm finally went off, Phil quickly turned it off. He wanted Dan to get some more sleep. Phil was still, waiting to see if Dan was disturbed. Nope, he continued sleeping. Phil very slowly climbed out of bed and stumbled his way to the bathroom to pee. His eyes were screwed tight, trying to block the brightness of the light. Once that was done, he snuck back into the bedroom. He glanced at Dan, expecting him to be curled up in his ball of blankets still.

 Instead, Dan was sprawled out, covering every inch of the bed, slightly snoring. Trying not to giggle, Phil grabbed the clothes he laid out for school and left again to shower. He was leaving the shower when he bumped into his mom.

"You two sleep okay?" She questioned.

Phil was even more confused. When did she take an interest in his life? "We slept fine, " he responded and left to go wake Dan up, leaving his mom alone in the hallway.

*

 Dan normally woke up to his alarm clock so he was definitely surprised when someone was softly shaking him. He opened his eyes to see Phil, smelling freshly showered, standing over him.

"Hey, Dan," came Phil's soft voice. "Gotta get up for school."

Dan groaned and yanked the covers back over his head. "No," he said in a child's voice. “I’m staying in bed."

Phil was laughing at Dan's morning antics. "Well, okay then. I'm just going to eat some cereal and leave then." Dan's ears perked up at the promise of cereal. "I guess you can just stay here, all day. Alone."

Dan quickly flung off the covers and shot Phil a dirty look. "That's not very nice."

"I'll be in the kitchen," Phil responded with a smirk. "I'll let you get ready."

Phil left the room, leaving Dan to break out in a huge smile. This was a wonderful morning. After getting changed into Phil's clothes and quickly borrowing Phil's straighter, he walked to the kitchen where Phil was munching on some Frosted Wheat. Phil, who was busy chewing, pointed at the counter where some more boxes had been laid out. Dan selected Lucky Charms and got the milk from the fridge. He seated himself across from Phil, who smiled sunnily at him.

 "How did you sleep?" Phil asked. Dan wanted to say it was the best sleep of his life but kept a simpler response of "it was good." The sounds of crunching filled the kitchen as both boys ate. Sometimes their eyes would catch, and they would look away shyly. Before he lost courage, he decided to tell Phil. "I had a great time, we should have more sleepovers." Dan rushed out.

"I agree," Phil responded immediately, his face beaming at Dan.

Yep, Dan thought. It doesn't get better than this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan talks to an adult about his feelings and seriously, can Dan’s mind stop writing pathetic teenager love notes? Phil is left wondering if his face has the words "Punch me" written on it and should he really worry too much that Robert has a knife?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is a little more detailed with some bullying- There is some slight mentioning of implied suicide by cutting. It's a very small part but please keep that in mind!!
> 
> Also, wrote this chapter in a hurry. Work has consumed me but I really wanted to write more before I let it go too long.  
> Thanks for reading. <3

Dan barely concentrated the next day at school. How could he when he just slept over at Phil’s and was wearing Phil’s shirt? He kept touching the material, needing the feel of the fabric to try to control his rapid thoughts. The shirt smelled like Phil and it made Dan secretly turn his head and sniff his shoulder throughout the day. He got a weird look from a fellow classmate so maybe he hadn’t been as discreet as possible.

It had been during World History when he got called to the Guidance Counselor’s office. With an internal groan, he closed his book and gave a parting look at Phil and walked to the front office.

Passing by Sheila, the meanest woman Dan knew, he walked down the hallway to the right of her and made his way down the long stretch, passing by so many posters about school safety, drugs, and bullying. Dan always had the urge to rip them down. This school was such a joke.

Mrs. Langely’s office was the very last door after passing by a storage closet. Her door was wide open, her face trained on the entrance. Before he even made it to the doorway, she had already leaped up and was eagerly beckoning him inside, making sure to display the “Please come back, with a student” sign on the door so no interruptions would occur.

Dan took a seat in the cushioned, yet highly uncomfortable, chair and prepared himself for this meeting. She didn’t immediately start talking- she always waited to see if maybe Dan would open his mouth first and start emitting all of his darkest secrets. Of course, Dan didn’t do that so each time they gathered together, the first five minutes were spent in silence.

Mrs. Langely perched on the edge of chair, her eyes seemingly slightly enlarged due to her glasses. She wasn’t a horrible person; she was probably the only adult who generally liked children. Maybe because she was still young enough and did not have a child of her own. The silence dragged on while Dan resolutely kept starting out the window. He could hear her fidgeting and tapping her manicured nails on the lacquered desk. He judged it would be one more leg cross and a hair flip when she would break silence.

“So..” Hair flip, leg cross- check. “Dan, how is everything going?” Mrs. Langely spoke up- she always asked that same question. Each time, same response.

“It’s fine.” Short and sweet.

She had a disappointed look on her face, as if she was hoping that this would be the day where their routine changed. She slowly drummed her fingers again on the desk, still staring at him. Dan shifted, uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

“That’s a nice shirt. Is it new?” Mrs. Langley said, with a finger pointing at his chest. “I like the ghosts on it. You know, Halloween shirts are my favorite.” Dan doubted that. He took in her appearance of high heels, pencil skirt with a silk shiny red blouse. Her makeup and chestnut colored hair flawless as always. Yeah, he didn’t see her rocking any holiday themed t-shirts.

“It’s not my shirt,” Dan replied automatically. He froze, knowing that was the wrong thing to say.

Mrs. Langley looked like a Christmas miracle had just occurred. “Really?” She asked, her voice filled with satisfaction. “Whose shirt is it then?”

Dan knew that now he couldn’t get out of this. “It’s Phil’s shirt.”

She seemed taken aback. “Phil Lester? The transfer student this week?” At Dan’s confirmatory nod, she clapped her hands together in a gleeful manner. Dan was sure she was about to start vibrating with happiness. “Oh my goodness, have you two become friends? I met him the day before school started. Poor thing was by himself and so nervous. You would think after how many times he changed schools he wouldn’t have been. Such a sweetie, though. Tell me everything!”

“Um, well he sat next to me in class and we got paired up for our French project. He’s cool and we have all the same classes together.” Dan mumbled, trying to not give away his feelings.

“That’s fantastic! I’m so glad he was able to make a new friend so quick.” She was still staring at him like he was holding back something crucial. “How did you end up wearing his shirt?” Fuck.

“I,” Dan hesitated, knowing that she would figure out his secrets- she always did. “I spent the night at his place yesterday and he lent me his shirt.”

Mrs. Langely finally sat back in her chair, happy with his response. “Wow! You two must have really clicked, huh? Only met for a couple days and already having sleepovers. You two dating?”

Oh yeah, you see she did know Dan’s secrets. While he found her tedious and wished she would stop trying to know everything about him, she still remained the only adult that lobbied for Dan. He appreciated her always checking in and caring. He had been seeing her since middle school and he remembered crying in her office after he ran in unexpectedly and confessed he was gay. She immediately had shut the door and consoled him for about thirty minutes and told him that there was nothing wrong with that. (And had even described sex in detail-which at the time was horrifying- but was actually kind of helpful to have that knowledge.)

“Uh, no, we’re aren’t,” Dan replied.

She frowned. “Ah, well give it time. If it’s meant to be, it will.”

“Wait, why are you assuming he is gay? I can’t date him if he is straight, you know. It doesn’t quite work like that.”

She starting laughing and waved her hand at him as if to brush off what he just said. “Oh, he already told me. He asked how this school tolerates gays. I told him that unfortunately not very well because no one was openly gay at this school because it’s a conservative town and a lot of discrimination would occur. He was discouraged but seemed to expect that. Not that I haven’t tried to change people’s opinions though…” She trailed off, probably wishing she didn’t work at this school, Dan thought.

“Anyways, tell me about Phil.” She eagerly said, waiting for Dan to start talking. This was definitely not like their usual conversations. Normally, it would be her asking about his home life. The questions would be extremely personal and Dan knew that he didn’t have to answer anything. But he had actually been the one to start opening up about his home life with her. They had a unique relationship.

Years ago, during a particularly violent altercation his mom had in public at a bar around four a.m., the cops had been alerted. After his mom had been arrested (with her then boyfriend), Dan had experienced a lovely quiet night and morning. He had been sitting in school when he got called to the guidance counselor’s office. When Dan had entered the room, he had been surprised to see a cop and another woman.

He remembered being asked if he knew where his mom was. He had shrugged. They had been shocked, though Dan hadn't understood why. They explained she had been involved in a public dispute at the Shady Lady Bar and refused to press charges against her boyfriend. In looking her up in the system, they realized that she had a son, who was eleven. Calling the house was a waste of time because the line was disconnected. They sent an officer out to the home, no one answered. They contacted the school and now, here they were. And very surprised that Dan didn’t seem concerned with his mom not at home that night or morning.

It was a blur of questions about his mom and what happened at his house. At the time, his mom hadn’t been into hard drugs. (Those were introduced about five months later when her next boyfriend starting selling crack.) When the adults went to his house, they were horrified at the dilapidated state and the amount of trash- beer bottles and cigarette butts heavily present.

 They wanted to take Dan away but the way the court worked in this town was shitty. There were no bruises on Dan- he denied abuse. He had clothes, shelter, and a good school attendance. The social worker lingered around for a couple months- checking in. Nothing changed and she eventually stopped and moved on to another family. The guidance counselor was the only one who was resilient in her attempts at bonding and over the years, had put up with all of Dan’s attitudes- ranging from sullen, angry, depressed, and very rarely happiness.

She tried to press about drugs in the house- she heard all the stories and knew his mom had been caught with cocaine. She was angry that nothing had been done about that. What she didn’t know was the cop that arrested his mom was over at their house the following night, locked up in her bedroom. Dan walked in on him shirtless, drinking a glass of water in the kitchen the following morning. The whole police force was basically crooked so Dan didn’t expect any help.

Fast forward five years, and here Dan sat, in her same office discussing Dan befriending Phil and talking about dating him. He realized that he wanted to talk about Phil. Wanted to divulge everything and let his emotions run their course.

“He’s… great, you know?" Dan couldn't stop talking once he started. "I can’t believe that out of every other person in this school, he chose to sit next to me and give me a chance. No one has done that. We just have a connection. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You probably think I’m just a stupid teenager who is crushing on the first nice person that sits next to him but we like the same stuff and when he was at my house-“

Dan was interrupted. “He was at your house?” Mrs. Langely was shocked at this. She knew that Dan wanted to hide his home from every soul.

Now, Dan felt awkward and somehow exposed as if that one confession exposed the inner workings of his heart. “Yeah, the first day he came over to my place and we worked on our project. Well, we ended up talking about everything but the project.”

Mrs. Langely was now literally bouncing with happiness. Dan was concerned she sprinkled speed in her coffee because seriously, she was always so intense with her emotions.

“And then you slept over at his house yesterday?” She pressed, not letting any detail slip by.

“Uh, yeah. It was our day to work at his house. It just kind of turned into a sleepover.” He had tried to play it off like no big deal, but she knew how monumental that was. Her face took on an eager mixed with a borderline crazed look and Dan realized that he would be here for a while and he was somehow okay with that.

*

Phil’s morning with Dan had been so perfect- Phil couldn’t stop daydreaming about Dan being in his house, his clothes, his bed… And wow, his thoughts quickly starting going down the road of picturing Dan naked. These were not thoughts to have while in class! Wrenching himself out those thoughts, Phil glanced over at Dan. Maybe that was a bad idea because Dan was wearing his shirt. And boy, did he look great. The shirt fit him much better than it did on Phil. He was biting the end of his pen, staring at the whiteboard. Phil eyes were instantly drawn to the way his lips were shaped and oh my god, his tongue just flicked out. He forced himself to look away.

The intercom came on and called Dan to the counselor’s office. Phil looked at Dan, who didn’t seem the least bit fazed about it. He threw a quick smile to Phil and walked out. Well, looks like Phil could now stop staring at Dan and thinking about his lips. Though, Dan did look great in those jeans when he walked out the room…

Forty minutes later the bell rang, startling Phil who was completely zoned out. He realized that Dan left his stuff so Phil collected everything and went the Dan’s locker. Well, it was technically _their_ locker now. Phil was so cheesy that sharing a locker made him so incredibly happy. He was putting their textbooks up when he got slammed against the cold hard metal of the lockers. It was so sudden that it left Phil stunned. He tried to pull back from the lockers when he got slammed again, this time his head was held against the locker.

“Hey, where’s your little friend, Danny?” A voice whispered, rough in his ear. He was turned around to face Robert and two fellow football players. They were blocking his escape by forming an effective wall. Phil glanced around quickly, trying to figure something out. Robert got closer to Phil and towered over him. Phil opened his mouth, to try to call for help or even just yell. A hand clamped over his mouth- silencing any attempt for a plea.

“Come with us.” Robert snarled at Phil and hands were gripping his arms, pulling. He was dragged off to the bathroom around the corner and shoved in. The bathroom had one boy washing his hands at the sink. When the student glanced up and saw them, he quickly shut off the water and yanked out a paper towel, darting past them to the leave.

Phil didn’t know what to think. He palms were getting sweaty. He was never good in situations like that.

“Look, I don’t know what’s-“ Phil started to speak but was quickly silenced when one of the guys kneed him suddenly in his stomach. Phil clutched his stomach, falling back onto the wall for support. He was gasping for air, trying to focus back on what was happening around him. The three guys were laughing, the sounds echoing from the acoustics in the bathroom.

Still holding his stomach, he straightened back up- to meet eyes with Robert. He was smirking at Phil, like he knew a secret that Phil didn’t.

“Did I give you permission to speak? I don’t think so.” Robert was speaking softly, making it even more menacing then if he was screaming. “I saw you queers walking to school today. I think it’s so adorable Dan even had a new shirt today, is it yours?” Not waiting for a response, Robert kicked Phil hard in the shin. Again, not expecting a sudden attack, it stunned Phil. He cried out in pain and fell the ground clutching his leg to try to ease the pain. Phil had wanted to reply that it was slightly creepy that Robert was picking up on all the small details that no one else cared about but the kick drove that thought away.

One of the guys snickered and muttered ‘pussy’ under his breath, making the others laugh. “I thought I was clear when I said to stay away from him.” Robert was now crouched down to Phil’s level. "Is his ass that sweet that you can’t stay out of it?” He spat out cruelly and grabbed Phil's left arm.

Phil opened his mouth, determined to stand up for both of them when all of sudden, Robert pulled out a knife. Phil's blood ran cold. Laughing at Phil's noticeable fear, Robert flicked open the pocket knife and started running it up and down Phil's arm. “I would hate if you… had an accident." The knife was tracing motions across the arm when Robert suddenly nicked him, forcing a small trickle of blood to form on the skin. Phil gasped in shock and tried to free his arm. Robert held tight and continued to drag the knife around, matching sure to focus on Phil's wrist. "I hope you understand what I mean." Robert was glaring at him and Phil was trying not to panic while staring at the red bubble of blood on his arm. 

With the threat explicitly made, Robert stood up and gave one final kick to Phil, who again doubled up in agony. He stood over Phil’s curled up form on the floor. "Think of this as your final warning." With a soft chuckle, Robert went to the sink and washed off the knife and pulled out a paper towel to dry it off. He threw the used towel onto Phil. "Clean yourself up, you pathetic loser." He motioned for the others to follow him out of the door, leaving Phil alone on floor.

The bell had gone off at some point but Phil remained on the cold tile.The pain from the kicks was lessening- he didn’t think he would even bruise too much. The small cut on his forearm was just a tiny red mark, barely bleeding. While the small mark wasn't painful, the stark contrast of the small amount red on his white arm left Phil frozen. He grabbed the towel and wiped his arm clean. It was barely noticeable but definitely served it's purpose for scaring him. What was it that made Phil a punching bag and a target for hatred?

He wouldn’t be so scared if he didn’t know what Robert was capable of. Planting drugs on Dan was serious so Phil had every right to be on edge. He couldn't believe that Robert had basically just told him that he would murder Phil and make it look like suicide. ' _He wouldn't actually do it, though. No kid would just murder someone jesus Phil. Get it together.'_ With these thoughts he slowly pushed himself up and walked back the locker. He somehow had already made a decision to not tell Dan. This was something that Phil wanted to worry about- Dan had enough to stress about.

Apparently, Dan hadn’t come back yet because the locker was still wide open and there was a folder still on the ground. Slamming the locker way harder than usual after gathering everything helped Phil release some anger and stress. He fixed his hair and squared his shoulders. He wouldn’t let Robert ruin his good mood and he would be damned if he quaked in fear. Refusing to glance at the cut on his arm, Phil walked down the empty hallway to class.

Walking in the class a couple of minutes late, he had expected to be reprimanded for being tardy. However, when he entered, the class was in chaos. With a confused expression, he realized that they had a substitute teacher who clearly didn’t care what the kids did. He glanced up and saw Phil in the doorway.

“Sign in here.” With those instructions, the sub went back to texting on his phone. Phil glanced down at the sign-in sheet and quickly scribbled his name. Dan wasn’t back yet and Phil was already feeling the absence.

*

Dan hadn’t meant to spend the rest of the class with the counselor. He normally only saw her for a good fifteen or twenty minutes. Talking about Phil opened up a flood gate it seemed and he couldn’t stop talking. Mrs. Langley was a good listener, Dan had to give her credit. She held onto his every word and threw in either questions or quirky comments. It was only after the bell rung, interrupting Dan recounting when Phil pushed him off his bed, that he realized he had been in her office for a while.

“-Oh, wow. I didn’t mean to take up your day and bore you.” Dan was now embarrassed. Did he really just spend like half an hour talking about Phil?

“Nonsense! I enjoyed our session today.” Dan could see that she was telling the truth (or maybe she was a good actor but Dan would just assume that wasn’t true). “I hope you know that my door is always open and if you want to bring Phil with you, well the more the merrier!” Yeah, he didn’t think that would happen but okay. She was busy writing him a tardy slip now and walked him out of her office.

“Thank you, Dan.” She told him, a smile on her face.

“For what?” He asked confused.

“For being you.” She gripped his shoulder in a friendly manner. “Now, get to class before you miss too much.”

He said goodbye and started walking back to class. He realized he didn’t have his belongings with him. He hoped Phil grabbed them. He stopped by his locker and saw that yes, his binder and textbook were missing. Feeling even more fond of Phil, he made his way to class with a skip in his step.

The level of noise hitting his ear drums startled Dan when he opened the door. Kids were sitting on top of desks that they had rearranged, phones out in the open- some texting while others were playing music. With a grin, he realized they had a substitute. Perfect. He turned to face Mr. Jake’s desk, to be met with a stranger who pointed at a piece of paper on the desk. He looked closer and realized it was the sign in sheet. He wrote his name and the substitute went back to his phone, clearly not giving any fucks today.

Dan started to make his way to his seat, locating Phil’s dark hair bent over a book. He noticed that Phil had seemingly pushed their seats further back into the corner so he was well away from the students. As if Phil sensed him, he glanced up towards the doorway. Their eyes met, and Dan felt butterflies erupt in his stomach. He was so focused on Phil that he almost tripped over his own foot. He managed to catch himself and prayed no one noticed.

It was like everything around him became background noise. Only Phil was crystal clear. Only Phil mattered. He slid into his chair and swept his hair out of his eyes. He grinned at Phil, making Phil return a radiant smile back at him. “Hey, Phil.” Dan broke the silence. “I miss anything interesting?”

Phil’s smile seemed to disappear but before Dan could process it, the smile was back and Phil just laughed.

“In this school? Nothing interesting to report, sadly.” Phil replied in a bored tone of voice. “Though, it has been interesting watching how kids act when the teacher isn’t here.”

Dan starting laughing at this. “This is pretty tame actually.” At Phil’s raised eyebrow, Dan continued talking. “So last year, I believe we were in Mrs. Reed’s class- she taught English- we had a sub. Next thing I know, someone is bringing a dead rat inside the classroom. Kids freaked out and were screaming and running into walls. Then, someone set off a firecracker. Why a kid had a firecracker, I don’t know. Then again, why would anyone pick up a rat? Anyways, it was a clusterfuck as you can imagine. Everyone in the building thought there was a shooter… It wasn’t funny after that. The whole class got in so much trouble.”

Phil just shook his head. “I don’t understand kids.”

“Says the sixteen-year-old.” Dan cheekily responded.

“I’m an old soul.” Phil defended himself.

“Sure, okay. Whatever you say, Philly.” Dan reached out and gave Phil’s head a pat, making Phil sputter in surprise and tried to knock Dan’s hand away. If their hands lingered on each other’s it was purely accidental.

*

Phil had been so relieved when Dan came back to class. He swore he felt his body instantly relax, like the stress instantly drifted away. Thankfully, the rest of the day passed uneventful and he didn’t even see Robert the rest of the day.

Now, school was out and they were about to arrive at Dan’s house. The whole way, Phil had been wondering why he wasn’t mentioning anything to Dan about what happened with him in the bathroom earlier. He would open his mouth, but instantly close it. The voice in Phil’s head kept repeating this was a bad idea but he just kept shoving those thoughts aside. He would tell Dan. Just not today.

Dan was in a really good mood and going to his house didn’t seem to bother him. He was chatting away, going on about his hatred of raisins when they turned into Dan’s driveway and Phil couldn’t stop watching him. (Dan was definitely weird. How did someone not like raisins?) Dan turned his head to face Phil and they both just smiled, not breaking eye contact. It wasn’t until someone cleared their throat that they realized somebody was watching them.

A man, who Phil could smell from here, was leaning against the front door, smoking a cigarette. He had a black tank top and was only wearing boxers. There was a tattoo of a bikini clad woman on the man’s throat. So really, a classy fellow. Must be the boyfriend, Jim.

“Hey there, boy.” Jim leered at them, his voice rough from years of smoking and alcohol. “Home from school are we? And you brought a friend.” He stared intently at Phil, his eyes traveling up and down his body, making Phil want to squirm and hide. There was definitely something cold in his gaze, almost like a predator eyeing prey. “You gonna introduce him or do I have to?”

Dan ignored everything Jim said and instead asked where his mother was.

“That bitch? Passed out after some nice heroin. Glad too because shit, she was annoying the hell outta me.” Jim smirked over at Phil. “Hey gorgeous, whatcha doing hangin around this lil queen, aye? If you wanted a real man you shoulda asked.” He grabbed his crotch and Phil tried not to flinch as the man stumbled closer.

Dan quickly pushed Phil back and stood in front of him. “Leave him alone.” Dan spit out, anger radiating from his voice.

Jim almost seemed taken aback by Dan’s outburst but then started to grin. “Oh, I see. I see. Gotta protect your boyfriend or do you want me for yourself? Your boyfriend won't always be around now will he?” He took a long drag of the cigarette and carelessly flicked it to the ground. Jim continued to stare at Dan until he started to laugh, breaking the standoff. He ambled by them to his truck that was parked in the middle of the small lawn. He haphazardly backed out, almost hitting a tree. He sped away, leaving dirt in the air from his tires.

Dan was collecting himself and apologized to Phil who tried to brush off the concerns. He was fine. He worried about Dan. Phil was horrified that Dan had to deal with that man on a daily basis. He didn’t like the way he looked at Dan or even what he said to him. There was definitely something off about him... Also, where did he go in just boxers?

They entered the house to immediately see that Jim was telling the truth. His mom was laying on the floor with a tourniquet unraveled and needle lying next to her. Dan walked over and kicked the needle away from her and checked her pulse. Satisfied, he motioned for Phil to follow him back to his bedroom. Dan didn’t seem to care at all about his mother. Phil realized that while his own mom wasn’t the greatest, he didn’t come home to see things like this on a daily basis.

Both boys collapsed on the bed, happy to be alone. Phil turned to face Dan and his breath caught in his throat. Dan had his head thrown back against the wall, the sunlight from the window was on his upturned face, brown hair glimmering in the light. Before he could dissect every detail of Dan’s beauty, his eyes snapped open and Phil quickly looked down, not wanted to get caught staring.

The mood in the bedroom the rest of the night was happy- yet subdued. Phil was assuming that Dan was still thinking about Jim or maybe whatever he had to deal with today from Mrs. Langely. Phil did not ask Dan about that visit and he hadn’t given Phil any details. He understood that some things you need to keep private.

The only conversations that night were about their French project. “We could write a story about a boy wanting to fly to the moon?” Phil knew it wasn’t even a good idea, but hey, he was trying. He always wanted to be an astronaut.

“Oh, yeah that’s a great one. Let’s make sure we can talk about space in French, Phil. French.” Dan rolled his eyes, sarcasm heavy.

Phil pretended to be offended. “Alright, you think of an idea.”

“A kid goes to the zoo.” Dan seemed pleased with himself. “Animal words are easy and it would be a fun story.”

Phil liked that idea but… what if they changed it? “How about a boy goes to the petting zoo? And he pets a lion. I have always wanted to pet one.”

Dan’s eyes grew excited. “If we add a llama in there, then yes.”

Phil grinned with satisfaction. He could write for days about animals and he loved petting zoos. “Deal,” he told Dan. “So the main two animals are a lion and a llama. This is going to be awesome.”

After settling on their theme, they went crazy with ideas. Dan had the idea that the lion escaped from his cage and the boy climbed on his back- plot twist the lion was Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia. Phil suggested that the goat was actually an Animorph who really needed to change back into human form but had been picked up and thrown in a cage for kids to touch. Both boys were giggling with each new tale they spun, each idea crazier than the last. Thankfully, their lack of language skills kept those stories from happening.

The final result was just a basic (boring) recounting of a boy who went to the zoo with his dad, had an ice cream cone, petted a lion, watched a llama spit on someone, and took a picture with a donkey. It was only after they wrote the story down they realized one major flaw: a lion isn’t a very common animal to be in a petting zoo. They didn’t want to change anything so they left it. Dan decided to Google lions at petting zoos and sure enough, there were a couple that did have a lion in there. With that settled, they left the story alone and got more paper out to start sketching the drafts. Time passed way to quickly and Phil decided that he better start to head home.

After exchanging goodbyes, Phil walked back to his house. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be home so he was surprised when he came home to see a black Camaro in the driveway, meaning Marco was here. Hopefully, his mom and Marco weren’t doing anything too crazy and Phil could have some peace.

After making his way inside, he wandered past the entry way of the kitchen and peered in. Marco was sitting at the table eating what looked like Chinese takeout. Phil’s mom had her head in the fridge, searching for something. Both heads snapped up when they heard his footsteps. Marco gave a grunt of acknowledgment and went back to eating. Phil’s mom closed the fridge and almost looked confused when she saw him standing there.

“Phil? You didn’t bring Dan home?” She asked, staring over his shoulder.

 _Um, what?_ “No... he's not with me?” He replied, equally as confused.

“Is he coming over tomorrow night, then?” His mom inquired, sounding almost anxious.

“I don’t know… why?” This conversation was reaching weird and Phil was not wanting that, especially after the day he had.

She gave a small laugh. “Can’t a mom ask about her son’s friends?" At Phil's raised eyebrows, she quickly kept talking to smooth over the awkward silence. "Invite him over tomorrow night and I’ll go to the store and pick something up to make. I hope he isn’t allergic to anything…” She trailed off, getting a worried expression on her face.

“It’s fine, mom. And sure, I’ll see if he wants to sleep over tomorrow.” Phil told her, wanting this weird conversation to end. He was slowly backing out of the doorway, trying to escape this bizarre conversation.

“Would you? I’ll probably get a pizza- can’t go wrong with that. Right, Marco?”

Marco, not paying attention to the conversation, simply grunted- Phil assumed that meant yes. Phil’s mom clapped her hands together and went back to the fridge. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Phil finally escaped to the bedroom, wondering if his mom had been replaced with an alien. It didn’t help when her voice drifted down the hall saying she hoped Dan wasn’t vegan and Marco's deep voice saying a pepperoni pizza is the best and if was vegan, he could shove it up his ass and get the fuck over it. Phil got up and closed his bedroom door. He really couldn't handle any more weird.

*

After Phil left, Dan realized just how much he hated his life. Coming home to have Jim accost him was one thing- but Dan was upset that Phil had to be in the middle. But to always see his mom in that condition was tiresome and he always had the slightest hope that he would discover her dead. Which was morbid and Dan was sure kids shouldn't think like that. He knew that his mom hadn't always been this way. His mom and dad had gotten married right after high school- high school sweethearts destined to be together forever. Then, when Dan was five, his dad was killed on a random weekday at a random time at a random place. He stopped by a convenience store to get gas and on a impulse decision, had wanted to surprise Dan's mom with flowers. A gang fight broke out and his dad was struck by a bullet- it killed him instantly. When the police showed up, they found him still clutching the bouquet of flowers.

Dan's mom never recovered from this. She forgot she had a son- he reminded her too much of her husband. She turned to alcohol and lost herself, never trying to find the woman she used to be. Dan's world was bleak after his father's death and then he lost his mom to addiction. He couldn't remember ever enjoying life, until now.

When Phil was with him, it was like the whole world was full of color that demanded to be seen and it was soothing to his tired soul.  Wanting to distract himself from his sad thoughts, he took out a blank piece of paper and started to doodle, quickly losing track of time. When he snapped out of his trance, he was startled to find that surrounding his doodles, there was a lengthy body of text.

_When do you know you’re in love?_

_Is it when your thoughts are so jumbled that sentences can no longer be formed? It must be when you lose all ability to describe things in a factual way and you start using colors and metaphors to describe the vivid imagery you see. The way you picture yourself as dark and grey and him in warm blues and greens. The way you swear you feel your heart grow warm and how your breath gets caught in your lungs. You can picture a brighter future. A hopeful future, full of laughs and kisses- less heartbreak and pain to endure._

_The feeling that you are spinning out of control is there and you can’t figure out to slow down. Feeling helpless and letting everything consume your very being was the only thing you wanted. You never wanted to be in control again if it meant he wasn't by your side._

_There is a feeling of drowning, making you want to claw at your throat and gasp for air. Somehow though, he is the air that swirls in your tired lungs and you are gasping his name, begging him to let you breathe. You didn't feel scared, you knew he would always breathe life into you._

_And well, you must know you are in love because here you are, writing nonsensical things that are overly dramatic and angst fueled. The main question swirling around, almost tangible it leaves a cloying taste on your tongue. Are you in love with your best friend, Phil Lester. How can you be in love, you chastise yourself. Love doesn’t happen with a couple of days. Love at first sight doesn’t exist. Or does it?_

_Because from the moment you saw those ocean eyes, you found yourself praying you could drown in their depths._

Dan paused, the pen poised over the paper. He couldn’t believe that he just wrote those words. He read it again, scoffing at how dramatic and confusing it was. Though it was clear what his subconscious was trying to say. How could he help his feelings? Phil was the greatest person in the world and Dan was already in too deep to back out. 

His phone chirped at him, the sound glaringly loud in the room. Dan quickly fumbled for his phone, knowing only one person would be texting him.

“ _Sleepover tomorrow?” -Phil_

_“I can’t. Already having a sleepover with my other best friend.” -Dan_

_“Ha. You’re so funny. I’ll see you tomorrow. XD” – Phil_

_“Btw, never returned your shirt.” -Dan_

_“Keep it. Looks better on you. ;)” -Phil_

If this is what love felt like, then Dan could handle drowning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing exciting ever happens on a Thursday, right? Wrong.  
> Phil's mom is trying to bond and he can't figure out his thoughts about that. Dan is officially on Jim's radar and that can never end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some light non-consensual touching and mention of rape. While there is nothing graphic or anything really happens please be warned.

 

Phil couldn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t remember what he had dreamed of but judging by the way he woke up gripping his arm where his small cut was… well he had a pretty good idea that Robert had been in his dream subconscious. After a couple more hours of tossing and turning, Phil decided that enough was enough. He got up and decided to make himself a hot cup of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows).

 He was expecting to be the only one awake so he was quite surprised when he noticed the kitchen light was on. When he walked in he was met with his mother, staring over a cup of coffee. She had a faraway look in her eyes and didn’t even notice Phil’s presence. One part of him wanted to quickly dart back to his bedroom so he could avoid her. The other part of him really wanted marshmallows. The battle raged on before his sweet tooth won.

 Phil cleared his throat, making his mom jump and look up in surprise. When she saw him standing awkwardly in the entryway, she gave a small smile and motioned for him to come in.

He shuffled inside, not quite knowing what to do or say. He decided to just ignore her for the time being and set about making his hot chocolate. He was heating up the milk in the microwave when she got up and opened a cabinet, pulling out the bag of mini-marshmallows.

 He blinked.

 And then blinked again.

 He couldn’t believe that his mom even knew how he liked hot chocolate. He just stared at the bag until his mom broke the silence.

 “Phil. I know you like marshmallows. You can eat them out of the bag all day.” She said, sensing his inner confusion.

 He snapped out of his daze and pretended like he wasn’t thinking that. “Uh, what? No, I was uh, just thinking about how much I wanted to put in my drink.”

 She didn’t look convinced and even rolled her eyes. “I know I’m not the best mom but I do remember the time when you six and somehow ate an entire bag of marshmallows. You then threw it up everywhere on the kitchen floor.” She gave a small chuckle, clearly finding that moment endearing.

 “From what I remember, you left me alone for the whole day and that was the only thing I could find to eat.” He sharply said. Phil somewhat regretted his words when he saw the hurt flash across her face.

 She just sighed and sat back down. “Oh, I guess I forgot about that part.”

 “I didn’t.” Phil wished he could forget a lot of things. He could create her a list and watch her try to remember any of it. She probably wouldn’t- drugs ruin a person’s brain.

 The microwave beeped and he took out his mug, stirring in the drink mix. After it was sufficiently blended, he added a handful of marshmallows and popped a couple in his mouth for taste. Yup, it was going to be a good drink. Phil planned on going back to his room, leaving his mom to continue staring at the table. Until she asked him to sit down and keep her company. That was weird but Phil slowly sank down on the chair, confusion evident on his face.

 Minutes ticked on and neither spoke. Phil continued to sip his drink and tried to not notice that the clock said it was only one-thirty in the morning. He should have just forced himself to get some ounce of sleep. Phil’s mom gave a deep sigh, causing Phil to glance up at her. He had never seen this look on her face- and he didn’t quite know what to describe it as. Melancholy? Guilt?

 “You know, just this past day I’ve come to a realization.” Curiosity peaked, Phil decided to keep up the discussion. He gave a sound of encouragement and gave her his attention.

 “I realized that I don’t know who my son is.”

 The statement hung heavy in the air. Phil was left staring at her, his head cocked slightly to the side and mouth partially opened. Not waiting for a response from him, his mom continued talking. She was running her finger around the rim of her coffee mug and refusing to look up at him.

 “I realized that just the other day when you brought Dan home. It hit me that I never seen you with a friend for sixteen years. I could hear your laughter through the walls and I just… I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” She glanced up, eyes slightly glassy.

 Phil just sat there. He couldn’t quite place his thoughts because out of all the things he was expecting her to say, that wasn’t it. They didn’t talk about him or his feelings. She only yelled at him and picked men over her own son. So for her to randomly start expressing maternal regret? Well, it was a little unsettling and it made Phil angry.

 “Wow, it only took you sixteen years for to acknowledge that you have a son? Wow. You want an award or a shining gold star?” Phil spat out. He normally wasn’t such a harsh person but his feelings about his mom were so muddled that it caused him to be on the defensive.

 She looked taken aback from his attitude. Clearly she was expecting him to cry at her feet and tell her that she was the best mom in the world. Well, that right there showed Phil that she had no idea who he was. “What’s my favorite color? What’s my favorite book to read? Huh? Do you even know any of this? No. Why? Because you don’t give a fuck and you have told me that countless times. So you know what, you can stop apologizing about being a failure. I don’t want to hear it.”  Phil crossed his arms and glared at her from across the table. It felt good to finally get those thoughts out of his system. He had a lot more but left it unsaid.

Phil’s mom had closed her eyes tight during his verbal onslaught and cracked them open once he was done talking. “I know.” She said simply. “I don’t know anything about you. I see a grown boy, almost a man, who is smart and caring. Who has been dealt a shit hand in life yet always smiles. I know that I have made your life miserable and moving you around all the time with all the men and drugs in my life was an awful thing."

Phil wanted to make a sarcastic retort but was too stunned by his mom's words to even formulate a thought."

"I see a boy who has been beat up countless times at each school because of being gay. Yet through it all, you are still a positive person and I want you know that I am proud of who you are. You are nothing like me.”

She reached over to grab his hand but Phil jerked it off the table. “How did you know I was gay? I never told you.” His heart was beating fast because for some reason, this bothered him the most.

Phil’s mom gave a small chuckle at that. “I think I realized it when you about seven. You fell in love with this actor on some soap opera that was always on tv. You idolized him. Then you kept getting bullied at school and the teachers told me kids called you gay. But the other day, seeing you with Dan confirmed it for me.”

“Wow, you actually remember something about me? And we’re not dating.” Phil defensively said. After those words left his mouth, he realized that he basically just admitted that he was gay. This was getting to be too much for him and he wanted to escape. Can this please be one weird dream?

“Oh, I thought you were. The way you look at each other…” She trailed off.

“So you know I’m gay and you even want us to have sleepovers?”

“Who am I to judge?” She said, in a cynical way. “I can tell that Dan makes you happy and if you deserve one thing, it's happiness.”

Phil was staring at her still not believing this conversation was happening. “Um, well he is coming over tomorrow. Or later today, I guess.” He sadly glanced back up the clock that was ticking away on the wall, mocking him.

She beamed at him. “Good! I haven’t forgotten about the pizza. If I’m not home by the time you guys want food, I’ll leave the money on the counter. Get what you want.”

“Uh, thanks,” he awkwardly said. “I’m just gonna-” he motioned towards the door as he stood up. He quickly left the room, breathing a sigh of relief. He got back in bed and he knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to get much sleep. He wished he never got up to get that drink now. Who knew that a hot chocolate craving would lead to his mother being talkative and trying to apologize for her shortcomings?

Phil used to want nothing more than to have his mom love and accept him. Wanted nothing more than to have her apologize for her fuck ups. But then, it actually happened. It left him angry and bitter. He had gone sixteen years not having a mom and now she all of sudden pulls this shit on him? It was confusing how much he still yearned for it yet pushed her away.

He grabbed his phone and decided to text Dan. A part of him hoped that Dan wouldn’t wake up with the message and a part of him wanted Dan to be awake.

“ _My mom just confessed that she is a failure and oh plus she knew I was gay. We just had a weird two in the morning talk_.” -Phil

He put his phone down and felt slightly calmer. He had to tell someone about everything and that person was Dan, his only friend. It was within a minute that his phone vibrated.

“ _If my mom did that I would shit a brick_.” - Dan

Phil snorted at that. Of course Dan would reply that way.

“ _A brick_?” -Phil

“ _A brick, a house, an elephant. Take your pick. Also, why are you up_?” -Dan

“ _Couldn’t sleep. Went out for hot chocolate and got attacked_.” -Phil

“ _Attacked by your rabid mom, ha. Well, glad you managed to escape_.” -Dan

“ _She is leaving us money for pizza tomorrow_ …” -Phil

“ _Sweet. I love pizza. I say we have extra cheese. Stuffed crust too. XD_ ” -Dan

“ _No_.” - Phil

“ _Aw. Come on Philly. I know how much you love cheese and you said you eat in on pizza_.” -Dan

“ _I hate you. Goodnight._ ” -Phil

“ _Goodnight, I hate you more_.” -Dan

Phil put down his phone and realized that just by texting Dan, his mood had drastically improved. He pulled the blanket around him and snuggled back up. He slowly drifted off to sleep, thankfully having no more dreams.

 *

Dan couldn’t fall back asleep after Phil texted him. He admitted that when his phone went off, Dan immediately thought the worst. Thankfully, Phil was just wanting to tell him that his mom decided to have a _chat_. To anyone else, that would not have been met with internal screaming, which Dan was sure Phil was doing right now. Dan tried to remember the last time he actually talked with his own mom and couldn’t.

 He pretty much avoided her (which was easy since she was always high or drunk) and tried to evade her boyfriends- that was the harder part. His mom’s boyfriends were always around and seemed to have an eye out for him. They went out of their way to torment him. Jim was reaching that point. He always wanted to taunt Dan with insulting or crude remarks. The man’s eyes were always on him, making him nervous. Maybe Dan was just being paranoid but there was definitely something off about him. He couldn’t figure Jim out though. He was different than the other junkies that lived with them before. He would do drugs but didn’t get continually fucked up like Dan’s mom.  Forcing himself to stop thinking of Jim, Dan rolled over and made himself think only of Phil.

Hours later, he was slapping his alarm clock when it was blaring at him to wake up. Feeling like he just got hit by a bus, he stumbled out of bed, tripping over his shoe on the floor. Cursing, he kicked the shoe away and unlocked his bedroom door. He didn’t hear any movement or see any lights on, so he figured it was a safe morning.

Dan walked down to the kitchen and went to the cabinet where his cereal would be housed- not turning on a light. He grabbed his bowl from above the sink and set about pouring himself breakfast. He knew better than to check for milk so he turned around and let out a scream of terror when he ran right into someone.

His bowl fell from his hands and cereal poured out. (Thankfully, it was a plastic bowl from a dollar store so nothing broke.) Dan’s scream was still hanging in the air as he heard the laughter. Fuck his fucking life. He had run right into Jim.

Dan tried to back away but was met with the counter pressing against his spine. Jim leaned around him and flicked on the light. Dan saw spots as the light flooded the room. He squinted at the harshness and tried to once again maneuver his body away. Jim immediately grabbed his shoulders and forced him still.

“Well, well. What do we have here?” Jim asked Dan, smiling slightly manically.

Dan’s heart was racing. He had to get away. Had to get away now before something happened. He squirmed uncomfortably in the iron grip and refused to look at Jim.

“Where do you think you’re going princess?” Jim leaned closer to Dan, his breath hot on Dan’s face.

“Let go of me!” Dan urged, heart racing fast.

Jim got even closer until his body was a mere centimeter away from touching Dan’s body. Jim was clearly enjoying Dan’s nervousness and gripped even tighter, making Dan wince in pain. Jim took one hand off his shoulder and grabbed Dan’s chin, forcing his head back so they could make eye contact.

“Your little boyfriend here?” He whispered, making Dan cringe from the words and the acrid stench of Jim’s morning breath. “Waiting all warm and cozy for you to climb back in bed?”

Dan was paralyzed- his brain was trying to focus on the words. Phil? Why was talking about Phil?

Jim smirked at Dan’s expression, knowing that he hit a weak spot. “Oh, someone gets jumpy when we mention the other fag?” Dan yanked his face from Jim’s grip and with all his strength, pushed Jim away from his body.

Jim, not expecting Dan to do that, stumbled back mainly from surprise. Dan darted to the right and started to run back down the hallway to his bedroom door. He could hear the lumbering steps of Jim until something heavy collided with the back of his head. The pain was so instant that Dan crumpled to the floor, groaning in agony. His vision was blurry and there was ringing in his ears and hands on his body. He tried to move away but the sharp throbbing resonating in his head was too much. He had no strength to fight off an attacker. Another blow hit him in the side of the head and Dan vaguely registered that it felt like a kick. 

Dan was pulled up, his body limp like a rag doll, and dragged to his bedroom. Dan wanted to scream but couldn’t remember how. He felt like he was underwater, everything was out of focus and his thoughts struggled to make sense. He was thrown on the floor and Dan’s head rolled to the side. Jim was yelling at him but his words were muffled and Dan just wanted everything to stop being so fucking painful.

“...boyfriend isn’t here to save you.” Dan barely made out that sentence. He was struggling to push through the pain and focus. “No one will hear you scream... You asked for this.” Jim was leaning over him and why was his hands under Dan’s shirt pulling? What was going on? Dan was screaming on the inside yet why couldn’t he hear it?

A sudden ringing cut through the air, effectively pausing the hands on Dan’s skin. Jim cursed furiously and Dan vaguely realized that Jim was now talking on the phone. He wondered if he had blood in his hair? The waves of pain were lapping at Dan’s body and was he crying?

“What?!” Jim barked, voice harsh.

He paused before letting out another stream of curses. “What the fuck do you mean? You better be lying because if that’s the case I swear to god I will personally shoot you in the face.”

Dan’s hearing was slowing coming back to function and he managed to start forcing his body to crawl backwards to try to escape Jim, who was still yelling.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right there.” Hanging up on the person, Jim turned back to Dan who flinched away and tried to get off the floor. His smile became predatory and slowly ambled over to Dan. He reached down and placed his hand on Dan’s cheek. “Don’t worry, we’ll finish this later.” With a hard slap to Dan’s cheek- causing Dan’s vision to go blurry again- he stormed out of the room.  
  
Dan felt the house shake when Jim slammed the front door and barely managed to make out the sound of the truck starting up. Dan was dizzy so he laid his head back down on the threadbare carpet. He just wanted to rest. Close his eyes for just a second…

*

Phil was waiting for Dan outside of school. It was getting closer to first bell, yet Dan was nowhere to be seen. He sent Dan a text, asking him if he was almost here. No response. Phil was worried but thought that maybe Dan overslept- he had been texting Phil early in the morning. Still, Phil couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. He kept glancing around the area, wishing Dan would appear. He did not want to face the day by himself. Phil’s teeth worried at his bottom lip and kept refreshing his phone- praying a text would come through.

He was staring down at the phone when Robert came up next to him and knocked the phone from Phil’s hand. Phil jerked away from him, making Robert snort. “Hey there, Phil.” Robert said in a cheerful tone. “Where’s Dan, this morning? You two already have a fight?”

Phil’s level of patience was thin and he gave a sarcastic retort. “We sure did. Thank for caring about our well being.”

Robert’s nostrils flared at Phil’s response and kicked Phil’s phone further down the sidewalk. “You really want to get smart with me?” He reached into his pocket and revealed the handle of the knife. “I would think carefully about what you say next.” The bell rang, cutting through the morning air. Robert ignored the sound and kept standing over Phil. “You didn’t tell anyone about our little _talk_ in the bathroom yesterday did you?” Robert narrowed his eyes and stared intently at Phil.

Afraid to speak, Phil slowly shook his head.

Robert was back to his fake cheerful self. “Wonderful!” He gave Phil’s shoulder a pat. “You’re such a good lil boy, aren’t you?” He threw another smirk at Phil and shouldered past him, heading to the entrance of school.

Phil let out a sigh of relief knowing that could have gone so much worse. Walking over to his phone he picked it up and was examining it for signs of damage when Robert called his name. He looked up to see Robert with the knife in his hand. He made slicing motions against his wrists and neck-laughing at the fear Phil couldn’t help but show on his face. Robert spun back around and walked through the doors, whistling loudly.

Phil stood there on the sidewalk staring at the doorway where Robert just disappeared into. The sound of the bell signaling class starting, startled Phil. Shaking himself out of his daze, he slowly started to walk up to the building. Looking back and still not seeing Dan, he decided to pull out his phone again and decided to call him. The phone rang and went to voicemail. Phil hung up and sighed. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to skip school entirely and just take a personal day. It’s not like his mom would know- the school didn’t have a number to call her and report his absence. If only he knew where Dan was though.

Calling a second time was the same. Phil was now pacing outside the school, trying to think what to do. If Dan was coming to school, then Phil would want to be with him. But if Dan didn’t show up- well Phil would rather avoid this place. (Mainly Robert and his goons.)

He dialed Dan’s number a third time. It was almost to voicemail when Dan answered- or rather someone picked up and didn’t say anything.

“Hello? Dan, are you there?” Phil asked, straining to hear anything. “Dan?” Nothing was happening. He was debating hanging up and calling again when he heard a soft moan. “Dan? Dan is that you?”

“Phil.” Dan’s voice was barely audible. “It hurts.”

“Dan! What’s wrong?” Phil was already running down the sidewalk for Dan’s house.

“Head was hit.  Hurts. Want to sleep.” Dan was mumbling incoherently.

Phil didn’t know what was wrong with him but he knew Dan had to stay awake. “Dan? What happened? Tell me. You can’t go to sleep, okay?” Phil was begging him, still running. His thoughts were focused on Dan. “Dan?”

Dan gave a sound of agreement but wasn’t talking anymore.

“Dan, I’m coming to your house, okay? I’ll be there soon. Don’t sleep!” Phil was out of breath and his sides were in stitches. Phil couldn’t remember the last time he had to run- let alone do any form of physical activity. His body was protesting each movement but Phil wouldn’t let himself ease up. He had to get Dan.

There was no response from Dan no matter how many times Phil was screaming his name. He hung up and rang him again. No answer.

Phil was covered in sweat by the time he made it to Dan’s house. Noting that there was no vehicle in the yard, Phil tore up the front steps. Praying that the door wasn’t locked he yanked the door knob. He almost fell back when he was met with no resistance. Getting his balance again, he ran inside and down the hallway. He tripped over something and fell down. Sparing a quick look before he pushed himself up he wondered why there was a huge glass ashtray in the hallway. Dan’s door was slightly ajar so Phil ran in- to be met with Dan’s motionless body on the floor.

“DAN!” His scream was so loud that it hurt his throat. He rushed over and tried to shake him awake. After seeing that he was still breathing- Phil ran to the bathroom and got a hand towel and ran it under cold water. He didn't even know he did that. Did cold towels help in any way? He had no clue but he had to give something a try. Rushing back to Dan’s side, he softly pressed the towel on his forehead. Tears were streaming down his face and he didn’t know what to do in this situation. Should he call the ambulance? He was just about to do that when Dan’s eyes slowly blinked open and met Phil’s. His voice was slurred and Phil could barely hear him. “Phil?” He questioned.

Phil started to laugh out of relief and brushed back Dan’s hair. “Yes, Dan. I’m here now.” He repeating that phrase over and over, not caring about anything but comforting Dan. His eyes were skimming over Dan’s body trying to see if there was any more damage. He didn’t see any so he went back to wondering what the hell happened.

“Dan, come on- you have to sit up. Let’s get off the floor.” Phil was saying softly and very gently, started to move Dan to a sitting position. Dan offered no help so Phil was left struggling to get all of his weight moved. Finally propping Dan up against his bed, he let out a sigh of relief and crouched in front of him.

Dan let out a groan during the movement but otherwise remained silent. His eyelids kept fluttering shut so Phil snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Hey, Dan. Look at me.” After what felt like a lifetime, Phil managed to get Dan to keep his eyes open and start to try to communicate with him.

“I got hit.” Dan tiredly said.

“Okay, by who?” At this point Phil could guess who did it but kept his mouth shut, wanting Dan to talk.

“Jim. Tried to run. Got hit in the back of the head.” Dan winced when he re-adjusted himself against the bed. “He dragged me here. Hands under my shirt. He was touching me-”

“Touching you?” Phil’s voice rose up shrill. “What kind of touching?”

Dan murmured, “I don’t know. He got a call and left. Have such a headache.”

“Okay, I’ll get you some medicine or something. Don’t move, alright?” Dan just gave a hum of acknowledgement and Phil ran to the bathroom, opening up the medicine cabinet. He found some ibuprofen and hoped that would suffice. When he tried to get Dan to take it, Dan looked at the red pills in his palm.

“My mom has a stash of Hydrocodone in her bathroom.” Dan whispered. “They might help more.”

Phil was already standing up and shot out the room. He figured the bedroom was the other door by the living room. So, he went down the hallway, feeling awkward as hell because this wasn’t his house and he was slightly terrified Jim would walk in.

He slowly opened the dim bedroom, fearing someone would be in there. He was met with silence so he tiptoed through the bedroom, towards the bathroom. He turned on the light and was met with the sight of total chaos. There were so many pill bottles and syringes covering the counter. There was even a pile of what smelled like vomit by the toilet. And was that tried blood in the sink? Phil started to gag from the stench and his eyes were watering. He pushed aside his discomfort and tried to search for pain pills.

Surprisingly, the pill bottles were neatly organized against the wall so Phil quickly skimmed the titles. He noticed that there were fake names on nearly half the bottles. Somehow he doubted Dan’s mom’s name was Delilah Pumpkin Fenkin, because that sounded _totally_ legit.

He snatched a bottle of Hydrocodone and turned to leave and almost had a heart attack. There was a face on the bed staring at him- lit up in the light that poured from the bathroom. He stood there, waiting for the woman to start yelling or anything. About a second later, Phil realized that she wasn’t even blinking. He slowly shuffled towards her and waved his hand in front of face- nothing. Phil could barely make out the sound of her breathing so he figured she was alright.

He bolted out of the room and went to the kitchen - stepping on cereal that was spilled all over the floor. He filled up a glass of water and went back to Dan. With relief he noticed Dan wasn’t asleep- he was massaging his temples and slowly turning his head.

Dan gave a small smile at Phil when he came back and graciously took the pills and water from Phil. He swallowed the medicine and laid his head back.

“Thanks.” He said softly to Phil.

“Of course.” Phil couldn’t help it, he reached over and grabbed Dan’s hand. Dan’s fingers tightened in his grasp and he laid his head on Phil’s shoulder. Even though this wasn’t a really good situation to feel happy in, Phil couldn’t suppress his smile.

*

It was blissfully dark and quiet. He was floating and the surges of pain were forgotten as Dan let the darkness engulf him. He had a thought that maybe he shouldn’t close his eyes but it felt so good. The sound of something ringing cut through the silence. Dan tried to figure out what the noise was. He should really find out…

The noise was back- not letting up on Dan’s eardrums. He groaned, wanting nothing more than to drift back to his cocoon of darkness. He cracked his eyes open and had a dawning realization that it was his phone ringing. He was content to let it ring until his eyes opened again. Phil. He made himself crawl to the table where his phone was. Each movement made him feel like he was about to puke or pass out- maybe both at the same time. He kept going and then the phone was in his hand but it wasn’t ringing anymore. ‘ _Call Phil_ ,’ he thought to himself. His vision was swimming again and he collapsed back onto the floor. ‘ _Let me just rest so more’_ ….

The ringing startled him as now it was closer to his ear. He flinched away from the sound, trying to distance himself. Everything came rushing back to him so he grabbed at the phone, squinting to figure out how to answer it. After thumbing at the screen, he managed it and laid his head over the phone. He wanted to speak, to tell Phil he needed him. He couldn’t remember how to speak. Was that Phil’s voice sounding so tiny? He tried to say something and did he say his name out loud? He couldn’t tell. The pain was coming back and he just wanted it to end. He was trying to tell Phil what happened but it was so much effort. He knew Phil was talking to him but he was so exhausted and did Phil just tell him to go to sleep? Dan let his eyelids drift shut again and before he knew it the world was black and peaceful…

He didn’t wake up when the phone rang again.

Next thing he knew, someone was with him, shouting. He knew that voice! Phil was here with him! Dan struggled to get up to make an effort to see him. He wanted to crawl into Phil’s arms and let him take his pain away. He didn’t know how to make his body obey so he kept silent, trying to sleep the pain away until something cold was on his face- that was unexpected. What was that? It hurt to think but the cold was moving on his face and Dan wanted to see what it was. He tried to open his eyes but they seemed to have a mind of their own. Finally, he pried them open to be met with Phil, tears evident on his face.

Dan wanted to reach up and wipe away Phil’s tears. Why is he crying? And now Phil was talking to him and trying to move him. He wanted to scream. Wanted to yell don't touch him because there were sharp edges pressing into his brain and those spots kept dancing in the air. After excruciating agony, Dan was finally propped up against something and he took a moment to try to collect himself. “ _Dan, “Hey, Dan. Look at me_.” Was he not looking at him? Oh, his eyes kept closing. Shit.

Finally, Dan managed to open his eyes and really look at Phil. “I got hit.” _Wow, Dan. Way to be specific._ Phil asked him something else but he couldn’t be sure what he said. “Jim. Tried to run. Threw the ashtray at me and hit me in the back of the head.” Once the words were said, Dan could feel every throb of pain and he tried to adjust himself hoping that would help. Did that answer Phil’s question? He couldn’t be sure so he kept talking. “He dragged me here and he was touching me-”

“Touching you?” Phil’s voice drilled into Dan’s head. His voice was a couple octaves higher and Dan could almost physically feel the anxiety laced in the words. “What kind of touching?”  
  
Dan was tired after that much talking but had to calm Phil down. “I don’t know. He got a call and left. Have such a headache.” He could feel his body slipping sideways and jerked himself back up. He really hoped he actually answered Phil's questions. He couldn't remember what got asked.

Phil was asking about medicine and Dan agreed. Pain pills sounded nice. Anything to take out the metaphorical knife pressing against his temple. Phil was running and the sounds of cabinets being flung open echoed back to Dan. When Phil came back with the meager ibuprofen Dan thought about the throbbing pain and knew he needed something stronger. He felt weird telling Phil he knew about his mom’s prescription medicine… Like would Phil assume that he took the pills for recreational use or? But Phil barely blinked before he shot up and left the room.

Dan reached up and started feeling his head. Nothing felt wet, which was surprising. However, he did find a huge knot that had already formed. As soon as Dan’s fingers grazed over it, he felt the pain radiate through his very being. Letting out a gasp of pain, he tried to press against his temples hoping he could somehow ease the pain out.

Phil’s footsteps were in the hallway getting closer and then he was bursting through the doorway with his fist clenched around an orange pill bottle and a glass of water. Dan smiled at him and quickly downed the pills that were hastily offered, praying they would work rapidly. Phil sat down next to him and before he could stop himself, Dan leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder and they sat in silence for a while and oh, they were holding hands! How did that happen?

“Dan?” Phil whispered to him.

“Yeah?” he responded.

“I think we should leave soon before Jim comes back. Do you think you can walk okay?” Phil asked concerned. “Should we get you to a doctor or something?”

Dan didn’t want to stay here, that’s for damn sure. Though he didn’t feel like he could really walk all the way to Phil’s house right now. He groaned. “I don’t want a doctor- they would ask too many questions. Can we pack a bag and go to your house in like thirty minutes? Hopefully the pills will have dulled my headache from hell.”

Phil gave a nod and starting to thread his head through Dan’s hair and started to massage his head- focusing on the temples. Dan let out a moan and relaxed against Phil.

“So, my mom likes you apparently.” Phil randomly said. Dan didn’t say anything, just waiting for him to continue. “She said that with you, I laughed for the first time or something, I don’t know. It made her realize some stuff and she just had to say all that weird stuff to me. She fully supports you hanging out with me.” He added like an afterthought.

“Wow. So glad I have her approval.” Dan said seriously. “I mean, if she didn’t like me, well I couldn’t take it.”

Phil gave a small snort at that. He seemed to be thinking something over before he said it. Dan could practically hear the gears spinning in his head.

“Dan?” Phil hesitantly started. “Has Jim ever… you know?”

“What?”

“Touched you. You said he was touching you.”

“What? No.” Dan answered quickly. Phil cut his eyes over at him. “I mean yeah he’s hit me and stuff like that before.” Phil opened his mouth, wanting to interject. “I know what you mean Phil. And no, he hasn’t.” Though if Dan was being honest, he would admit that he has noticed that Jim’s eyes seemed to linger a little too long and the suggestive comments he made? Yeah, Dan definitely picked up on that. Today definitely confirmed something that Dan refused to admit about Jim.

“I don’t think you should stay here.” Phil told him earnestly. “I’m not trying to freak you out but that man is unhinged. When I saw him yesterday, I got a bad feeling about him. Be honest, what do you think he would have done if he hadn’t been interrupted? You said his hands were under your shirt.”

Dan closed his eyes, knowing what Phil was inferring. “I know.” He admitted quietly. “I couldn’t had even fought him off if he tried to do anything.”

“That settles it. You’re staying with me.” Phil stood up and rubbed his hands together. “Alright, let’s get you packed up.” Phil looked over at Dan and started laughing. "You should probably change out of your pajamas."

He looked down and was mortified that he was in a pair of red plaid pajama pants and a threadbare Pokemon shirt. "I see your point." 

The next twenty minutes was filled with Phil running around, asking Dan what he wanted to pack and where to find it. After they were satisfied with everything, Phil handed Dan the clothes to change into and gave Dan some privacy while he struggled to get dressed. After that agonizing task, Phil came back in and picked up the bag and helped Dan to his feet. He gave a blinding smile to Dan and linked arms with him.

The whole way to Phil’s house was filled with Dan trying to keep up a normal pace and not throw up. He could handle the pain though if he had Phil by his side.

*

Phil hated to question Dan about Jim but it had to get said. Phil knew his senses were correct when he locked eyes with Jim. He knew that look.

It was about two years ago when his mom’s current boyfriend had a brother who decided to stay with them. The brother’s name was David and he just been released from jail- his offense being selling and distributing drugs. He somehow got off on good behavior and all of sudden, was crashing on the couch in their house at the time.

At first, David ignored Phil and was content to be off in some drug den somewhere. That must have gotten old before David just stayed at home. One day, he seemed to take notice of Phil and seemed to always be near him. Phil didn’t really care too much because he was used to strangers living with them and crowding his space.

But then Phil picked up on how suggestive some of the comments were and how David kept “accidentally” walking in on Phil when he was taking a shower. (The excuse being he was drunk and whoops, shit happened.) Or how he would manage to brush up against Phil even though there was no clear reason for it. His eyes were always on Phil and it started to make his skin crawl. It was on a weekend and Phil was sitting on his bed doing homework when David barged in and started to hassle him. He ended up sitting on the bed and effectively cornering him against the wall. Phil started to panic and realized he needed to do something, anything.

When David’s hand landed on Phil’s thigh and started to creep up, Phil reacted. He tried to push David away but he was able to grab Phil and forced him down on the bed, covering his mouth to muffle Phil’s scream. Phil bit the hand hard tearing at skin, making David yelp in pain and look at the blood that was forming on the palm. Before David could refocus on Phil, he scrambled up off the bed. Phil took off and quickly ran out of the house. He had no plan or a course of action. All he could think of was that he could not be in the house with David. Thankfully, they lived right near town and Phil cut through yards and burst through the library doors, panting. He tried to put on a calm persona and grabbed a random book, sitting down at a table and pretending to read.

Hours ticked by and Phil ignored his hunger. He kept looking at the door, panicked that any minute, David would walk in. Unfortunately, the library was about to close in like ten minutes so Phil put aside his random book and nervously walked back to his house. He couldn’t believe that he was relieved when he saw his mom’s boyfriend’s truck in the driveway.

He cautiously walked in and crept further in the house. Shane, the boyfriend, was in the kitchen microwaving something. Phil left before he noticed him. With his heart racing, he went into his bedroom, bracing for the encounter with David… which didn’t happen since his bedroom was empty. Phil looked under the bed and in the closet and even checked the bathroom in the hallway (making sure to pull back the shower curtain). He went to sleep that night with his dresser pulled in front of the door.

The next few days, Phil was a nervous wreck- but David never showed. Then the police were at the door demanding to know where he was. He was being charged with attempted rape of a fourteen-year-old boy at the park in town. The police finally located him two days later behind a dumpster with a needle in his arm. Phil felt like he could finally relax again but would never forget the look in the man’s eyes. So when he saw Jim- his skin crawled because he was familiar with that look. And now, here Dan was practically in the same situation.

Phil took in Dan’s tired expression as he was leaning against the wall on Phil’s bed. He wouldn’t let Dan go back to that house.

“Dan… I was thinking.” He started.

Dan looked up, waiting for Phil to finish the thought.

Phil cleared his throat, suddenly feeling awkward. “I was thinking that you should just stay with more for a while. You shouldn’t go back to your house.”

Dan didn’t immediately respond which made Phil nervous. Was this overstepping some weird boundary or what? Finally, he smiled and agreed, softly saying that he would like that.

Phil scooted closer to Dan and suddenly they were holding hands again and Phil had to resist an urge to press a soft kiss on Dan’s temple. They sat like that for hours, exchanging banter back and forth and never letting go. When finally, their stomachs started growling they decided to get up to eat.

His mom actually remembered and on the kitchen counter was a note with twenty-five dollars under it. The note read “ _Phil and Dan, enjoy_!” Phil didn’t know why that note annoyed him so he quickly crumpled it up and threw it away, not giving it any more thought. After ordering a pepperoni pizza and waiting for it to arrive, Phil had been giving Dan’s predicament some more thought.

“Okay, so I know that this doesn’t fix your problem but it is Thursday today…” Phil said.

Dan just gave him a confused look that clearly translated ‘ _duh.’_

Phil licked his lips out of nervousness. “Well, it’s Thursday and tomorrow is Friday.”

“And tomorrow is Saturday.” Dan piped up, rolling his eyes at Phil. "I did go to public school but I can at least count to ten and know the days of the week."

Phil ignored that and continued. “I think we should skip school tomorrow and you can just stay over at my place all weekend.”

“Okay.” Dan immediately responded, making Phil look up in relief.

“Really?”

Dan nudged Phil’s shoulder with his own. “Why wouldn’t I want to stay with you?”

Phil could feel his face burning and tried to mumble a response. He was thankfully saved when the doorbell rang, signaling the pizza. Shooting a prayer to the pizza god, Phil ran to the door and retrieved their food. They went back to Phil’s room and ate on the floor, Dan laughing when Phil managed to pull off all the cheese on his slice of pizza with one bite. Phil was so happy he could almost put all his worry behind him.

Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is enjoying this story! I never expected to actually keep the story going this long.   
> I basically just open up a blank word document for each new chapter and just start typing. So, it's been a surprise to see where my brain has decided to go.  
> In case you haven't picked up on subtle hints, the story will most likely be taking on some angst filled chapters.  
> Anyways, thank you!! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil can't stop worrying that something bad is about to happen while Dan thinks that is ridiculous. Either way, both are sure to remember this Monday.

It only took til 2:25pm on Monday afternoon for everything to fall apart.

Phil had a bad feeling in his stomach on the walk to school that morning and kept looking over his shoulder, fearing that something or someone, was behind them. Watching. Waiting. When he tried to convey his worries to Dan, it was shrugged off with an exasperated look and a laugh tossed out into the quiet morning air.

Dan had been carefree that morning and different than how Phil was used to seeing him. It was like getting beat up by Jim was somehow a good thing to happen to him. And while Phil’s heart was warm watching Dan try to juggle some spoons that morning in the kitchen or hear his laugh when he realized that he was wearing Phil’s underwear, his brain was in full panic mode. Dan told Phil that he was just over worrying- they had spent a wonderful (safe) weekend together and now Phil’s brain was working against him.

So fast forward to 12:13pm and Dan got called to the Dean’s office and with a confused glance at Phil, he left the class.

It was at 1:56pm that Phil started to worry more but figured that maybe Dan was in trouble for skipping school… but his brain couldn’t help but think that he should also be in trouble too but maybe Mr. Michael wanted to talk to them separately?

And it was exactly 2:10pm that Phil saw Mr. Michael down the hall, having an animated conversation with some faculty member. With a glance down the hall, which Dan was still not in sight, Phil decided to ask Mr. Michael if Dan was coming back to class. Steeling up his nerves, Phil hesitantly approached the pair.

“-I’m telling you, it’s not how it used to be. Why, you remember when teachers could actually spank a kid? Now, you so much as cough near a student you could get sued with the reason of trying to get them sick! The whole education system has completely gone to-” Mr. Michael was saying as Phil hovered around the edge, waiting to be acknowledged. He finally succeeded in getting the attention when he accidentally got too close and poked the other adult in the arm with his binder. Well, it was effective because he definitely got noticed.

With a raised eyebrow, Mr. Michael stopped talking and just stared. Phil’s mouth went dry and he croaked out his question. With his eyebrow raised so high it might escape in his hairline, Mr. Michael still stared.

“I, uh, was wondering if you knew where Dan was?” Phil repeated louder.

“Howell?” Mr. Michael gave his head a slight tilt to the left. “Why would I know that?”

Phil’s palms started to tingle. “He was called into your office but he hasn’t came back.”

“Mr. Lester, I can assure you that Dan has not been in my office today. I just got back from our Quarterly Review meeting, which was at the District School Board office and I don’t have time to be fielding questions about where your boyfriend went. If he is deciding to skip school, well then so be it. I’m sure I’ll enjoy when the truancy officer brings him in.” With that last cutting remark, both adults walked off, leaving Phil standing there in the middle of the hallway.

Students walked, some jostling him as they passed. The bell cut through the noise of students voices. Lockers were slammed shut and classroom doors were closed but Phil remained, almost paralyzed.

It was now 2:13pm and Phil didn’t know what to do.

*

Dan hated how quick Monday came. He wouldn’t recommend getting your ass kicked by a crazed man who was somehow dating your druggie mom but if it meant spending days with Phil, then he would volunteer an ashtray to the head any day.

(He may have faked a headache on Saturday morning just so Phil would hover over him and lightly brush his fingers through Dan’s hair while they laid on the bed, bodies pressed up against each other.)

It was even better when they realized that Phil’s mom, Marco, or any other random person wasn’t at the house the whole time. When Dan had asked Phil where his mom was, he had just shrugged and asked Dan if he wanted to go watch a movie in the living room. Needless to say, it was an amazing time and Dan was able to forget about any of his inevitable problems.

Monday morning came too soon but that wouldn’t deter Dan’s mood. He thankfully felt fine after the ‘incident’ (as he started referring to it in his head) and Phil looked especially adorable that morning. Just experiencing how life could be without any worries made Dan hopeful for the future. When he tried to share his revelation with Phil, he was not met with the same attitude.

Phil had been acting strange all morning and when he hadn’t gotten a reaction like he hoping for after attempting, and then drastically failing at, juggling some silverware in the kitchen. The response he got instead had been very serious.

“Look, Dan, I’m so glad you’re feeling better- really, I am. But the problem isn’t fixed just because you spent four days with me. That man almost killed you and may have tried to do something else to you.” Phil’s eyes were filled with worry and it was so raw that Dan had to look away. It wasn’t like Dan hadn’t thought about his current situation. It kept him awake at night when all he wanted to do was get lulled to sleep by Phil’s soft breaths through the quiet night. (And dear god, has Dan because soft. His brain was filled with nothing but romanticizing everything about Phil. Who could blame him, though? Dan had spent at least three hours coming up with ways to kiss Phil and he was pretty sure his plan he settled on was foolproof.)

Dan wanted to keep living in denial longer so he had brushed that comment off and tried to gracefully pick up the spoons and try again. Phil had left the kitchen before Dan even got to throw them in the air. When they were finally leaving and walking to school, Phil kept looking over his shoulder and wasn’t paying attention to the conversation.

“Phil? What do you keep looking at?” Dan finally asked Phil after his question was met with silence. “Phil!” Dan raised his voice after Phil failed to register that.

“Oh, sorry. What were you saying?” Phil rushed to say after he realized that he had missed something.

Dan just stopped walking and fully turned around to look behind them. “Seriously, Phil. What are you looking at?” There wasn’t anyone or anything in sight. It was just a calm morning with nothing going on in the rundown neighborhood.

Phil gave another sweep of the area with his eyes before answering. “I don’t know, really. I just feel like we’re being watched or something.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. Really? That’s what he was worried about. “Phil, look around us. I can’t believe I am saying this but it’s a great Monday. Stop worrying and enjoy the morning.” Dan hoped to placate Phil with those words but all it did was make Phil withdraw further and glare at offending objects they passed.

(“Oh, come on, Phil! You’re really giving a bitch glare at the trash can? It's not about to leap up and smother us to death with a used napkin.”)

It was almost a relief when they arrived at school and Phil could finally stop flinching and twisting his neck to look around at everything when they heard a noise. However, Phil just sulked and bit on his pen in classes, shooting concerned glances at Dan every five seconds. He never had been so glad to get called up to the Dean’s office before. He thought Phil was going to have a heart attack though so he tried to shoot Phil a ‘ _yes, I am concerned but not worried_ ’ look before he left. Somehow, he didn’t think Phil got the message.

Dan was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he completely ignored his surroundings, which was his first mistake.

His second, and probably his biggest, mistake was that he didn’t take Phil’s concerns seriously. Because it was at 12:15pm when he was grabbed and everything went dark.

*

Phil was trying to not let himself fall victim to a panic attack that was threatening to burst from his skin. Keyword being  _ trying _ . His binder had slipped from his arms and was on the white tile on the hallway. Phil didn't even notice as he walked over it and leaned up against a wall of lockers.

He managed to compose himself and think rational thoughts. With some deep breaths he told himself that he didn’t even know something happened-he just had an overactive imagination and liked to assume the worst in every situation.

Phil racked his brain and thought of what could have happened. Ignoring the fact that he had classes to attend, Phil straightened up and took a breath.  “Okay… let’s retrace his footsteps,’ he muttered quietly.  “Dan got called up to the Dean’s office so he had to walk down the hall. There isn’t anything but classrooms down this way so he definitely isn’t in here.” 

Phil rushed down the hall and pushed open the door, eyes squinting against the harsh light of the sun. He gripped the straps of his backpack and continued down the sidewalk, turning right and heading towards the office. When he walked in the main entrance he was met with the reproachful eyes of the secretary- who still wore the same expression of intense disdain when she realized that it was Phil standing in front of her.

“Um, hi- I was wondering if you could tell me if Daniel Howell came in here?” Phil nervously asked, swallowing loudly.

She rolled her eyes and answered him, speaking like he was a small infant.”And please tell me, how would I know that?”

“Um, well he got called to Mr. Michael’s office earlier-”

“Who has been gone all day so I can assure you that is impossible.” Sheila interrupted and turned her attention away from Phil and went back to her computer.

“Well, he left class after he was called up here so all I am asking is if-”

“No, he hasn’t been up here.”

“Are you sure?” Phil wasn’t even upset she interrupted him yet again.

“Of course I am sure. I would know if that troublemaker was in my building.” Sheila’s voice was harsh with annoyance. “Now, get back to class and stop wasting my time.” She stared him down and Phil had no choice but to turn around and walk out, still feeling her eyes boring into his back. He walked to the edge of the building and stood there- he didn’t know what to do.

It was then that his phone went off. He practically screamed when he saw it was a message from Dan.  _“I hope you kissed your boyfriend goodbye before he left.”_

Phil read the message over again, his body breaking out in a sweat.

_ “Who is this? What have you done with Dan?” _ Phil typed out and waited for a response. He was running down the sidewalk looking around. He spun around around in a circle, a sob escaping his throat.

The phone vibrated in his hands and he quickly read the next message. _ “You should have listened to me. This is all your fault. _ ” A picture popped up next, and the sight made Phil collapse to the concrete. It was a picture of Dan’s face- covered in blood. More text appeared. _ “Not so pretty anymore, is he?” _

_ “Where is he?” _

_ “You'll find him at the warehouse on Turner Street. Tell anyone and you’re dead.” _

It was 2:25pm and Phil’s world had just gone to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait! And I would just like to say that I'm not really entirely happy with this chapter but hope you like it.  
> I wrote this so fast so I really hope there aren't too many mistakes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look through some standout moments in Phil's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter deals with memories of violence and attempts at suicide. Please be careful when reading if this will be upsetting!  
> The chapter is mainly moments from Phil's past. At the end, it picks back up from the previous chapter of Dan being abducted.

_ Phil was five years old and he got slapped hard in the face by his mom. The reason was simply that he walked into living room late one night because he didn’t feel good.  _

_ He had climbed out of bed and walked down the short hallway to the living room- his mom was in there with another man. Phil didn’t quite know who he was but he had already noticed that the men he saw never stayed longer than a few days.  _ _ “Mom?” Phil’s voice carried over to the two figures, who were sitting close on the couch. He knew he was supposed to be in bed but his throat was sore and he was too hot. All he wanted was to be comforted. All he got instead was an angry yell and a slap to the face. _

_ “What the hell do you think you are doing out of your room?” His mom’s voice was sharp and Phil flinched, not understanding why she was so upset. The man got angry and starting to yell at his mom and she screamed back at him and Phil was so confused.  _

_ “Who the hell is this? You never mentioned you had a child!” The man stood up and was angrily gesturing at Phil, who was pressed against the wall not understanding why he was the one in trouble. Why did the man hate him? He didn’t do anything. He just wanted his mom so he came and found her.  _

_ “He was supposed to stay in his room and be sleeping! It’s not my fault he can’t listen.” His mom was pleading with the stranger and placed her hand on his shoulder. “It doesn’t change anything, honey.” Her voice changed from shrill to sugary sweet, and Phil couldn’t help but think that she never used a nice tone when talking to him.  _ _ The man pushed his mom off him and snatched some money off the table and stormed out. He slammed the front door so hard it knocked the wall clock down. Phil was still not understanding what was happening because all he wanted was his mom to make him feel better. “Mom, I’m not feeling so good.” He said, trying to get her to realize he was sick.  _

_ Phil’s mom looked at him and walked over to him, with a blank expression. Before Phil could blink, he felt searing pain and was knocked to the floor. He starting crying, wondering what he did to get slapped by his mom. She was yelling at him over his cries. “I hope you’re happy. You just couldn’t fucking listen when I told you to stay in your room! Pick yourself up and get back to bed.” _

_ “Mommy, I’m sick.” Phil was holding his stinging cheek and trying to talk through his tears. _

_ “Go drink some water from the sink and shut up. Next time, stay in your room. You ruin everything.” His mom picked up her purse and left the house, leaving Phil on the threadbare carpet with a hand print vivid on his small cheek.  _

_ Phil was five and he cried himself to sleep. _

_ * _

_ Phil was seven when he got a cigarette burn on his arm by a man who was living with them. (The man thought it was funny and his mom watched it happen.) Phil hated drunk people- he always got hurt when drinking occurred.  _

_ * _

_ Phil was eight years old when they moved to Dayton, Ohio. _

_ Phil didn’t even know how they ended up in Ohio. He came home from school one day to find everything they owned (which wasn’t a lot) thrown in some boxes and his mom telling him to start loading up the car, no questions asked. He didn’t bother asking any questions- he learned to just shut up and do what she said or else face her anger. _

_ Fast forward to find Phil in some house that smelled strongly of cat piss yet there was no animals. Phil was staring out the window when a car pulled up. Phil sighed because he knew what this meant, some guy visiting his mom. He wasn’t stupid or ignorant anymore, he understood how his mother earned money when she didn’t have a job. It never ceased to amaze Phil how she managed to find guys out of state and somehow convinced the guy that she should move in with him. (One time she neglected to tell a new boyfriend about Phil and he had to sleep outside in the car the first night while they “sorted it out.” The was better than the house Phil soon discovered.) _

_ He watched the man climb out of the car and Phil recoiled at the sight of him. He was massive, his stomach hanging below his belt and his face was screwed up with something akin to disgust. Phil wondered if his face was always set in that emotion. The man (Phil thinks his mom said his name was Joe? Dave?) walked into his house and he heard the muffled sounds of talking between his mom and the newest boyfriend.  _ _ He wished he could stay in his room and avoid them but he learned that it was best to just get the meet and greet done and out of the way. According to his mom, the guy knew she had a eight year old son and was okay with it- the ‘as long he stays out of sight as much as possible’ was left unsaid. _

_ Phil walked out of his new room and slowly made his way to the kitchen, where he heard their hushed voices. He hovered in the doorway, unsure of if he should say anything or just keep standing there until he got noticed. Unfortunately, he was noticed fairly fast by the man who grunted in his direction and asked “is that him?” and just opened the fridge and took out a beer, walking to the couch and easing his bulk onto the cushions. His mom gave Phil a look that could pass as moderately relieved and followed the boyfriend to watch tv. Phil gave a sigh of relief because this was the best introduction he had received. But he should know to never get his hopes up. _

_ Two weeks later, Phil noticed that the main business of the guy (who was actually named Brian) was a drug dealer and his mom seemed to helped with dealing with the customers. This would be fine except his mom started to sample some of the products with Brian. It didn’t take long before they end up fighting- both verbally and physically. Brian was convinced that Phil’s mom was sleeping with every guy that came over to buy drugs and started to come home randomly on surprise visits throughout the day to ‘check in.'  _ _ Phil saw the warning signs that this living situation was about to blow up so he tried to avoid everything by staying locked up in his room. He hated coming out anyways and seeing the living room table covered with bags full of white powder and needles and the junkies that would be hanging out, waiting for a fix.  _

_ He was currently staring at his ceiling, watching his fan circulate the warm air. He knew that his mom was in the bedroom with some guy who stopped to buy so when he heard the familiar sound of Brian’s car (engine sounding like it was about to blow up and the squealing of a loose belt), he sat up in shock. While Brian accused Phil’s mom about sleeping with other men, he never actually caught her. That was all about to change and Phil knew it wouldn’t be pretty. While he wasted time trying to think what to do, Brian had noticed the car belonging to the customer and had already rushed in.  _ _ The next minute was chaos. All Phil heard was sounds of the doors banging against walls and lots of yelling. He heard sounds of running and he glanced out his window to see the customer, still naked, running and fumbling at his door handle of his car. He started the car and put the car in reverse, and was gone before the dust could settle. _

_ Phil slowly opened his door and stuck his head out, wondering what would happen. Looking back, Phil would have told his past self to just pack his bag and climb out the window because what happened next was a blur of pain. Brian was completely pissed off and just so happened to be standing right where he could see Phil. _

_ “You piece of shit child! Son of a whore! You’re just like her!” He was screaming and rushing towards Phil, who tried to hurry and shut the door before Brian could get to him. Too late, Brian burst through the door and slammed into Phil, knocking him hard to the floor. Fists were flying and Phil swore he thought he was going to die. He could taste blood and was that a bone cracking? The rest he can’t remember. He woke up wrapped up in a blanket laying on the backseat of a car. His mom was driving and two days later, they were moving into another house in another state. His mom refused to take him to the hospital or even see a doctor because "they would just be judging us and it would be a waste of money." Though she did end up paying some guy who was a doctor who helped him. (Phil later found out that he went to school to become a doctor but got hooked on coke and dropped out.) _

_ * _

_ He was ten when he got beat up at school by three guys. Two months later, he got beat up again by them. Phil didn’t understand why no one, not his mom nor people at the schools he attended treated him like a human being. _

_ He was ten when he started to really feel that he was worthless. _

_ Phil started to lose any positive thoughts about life. He was amazed that he hadn't done that already. _

_ * _

_ At thirteen years old, he entertained thoughts of suicide everyday. He kept a notebook and filled it with scribbles of how he could end his life. He then tried to act the scenarios out. _

_ He tried to cut himself with a kitchen but chickened out when he simply nicked his skin. _

_ He did steal a gun from a guy they were living with and was going to shoot himself. That didn’t work because for some reason, he couldn’t figure out where the guy kept the bullets. Phil put the gun back where he found it. (And he was terrified of the weapon but he tried to ignore that fact.) _

_ He ended up swallowing a handful of random pills. He ended up puking everything back up. _

_ Phil even tried to jump into traffic but the car had excellent brakes.  _

_ He hated life even more because the universe seemed to be against his every wish.  _

_ ( _ _ He eventually stopped thinking of suicide and made a plan that he would never let anything discourage him again and he would grow up and make a new life for himself.) _

_ * _

_ Phil had experienced his fair share of pain in life. He has been placed in the worst situations and is somehow still alive. He never had a friend or felt like he could be loved. _

_ He was sixteen when he met a boy named Daniel Howell who made him smile again and learn what it was like to feel special. With a small smile, Dan had completely changed Phil’s world.  _

*

After Phil received that terrifying text message, Phil knew he had to hurry but he just couldn’t believe this was happening. How was it that Dan could somehow manage to get taken from school to some warehouse? It wasn’t like Phil even knew where Turner Street even was! He literally just moved here to this shithole town.  He took off running towards the gate that separated the main entrance from the student parking lot. Knowing that he couldn’t squeeze through the bars or go under it... well, desperate times called for desperate measures. 

So, that’s how he managed to almost break his leg when he fell from the top of the gate.

Phil cried out in pain as he landed hard on his right leg and cursed himself. He was almost glad Dan was not there to watch the plummet to the asphalt. (Phil’s shoelace had got caught in the steel and well, pavement meet Phil. He could practically hear Dan making a sarcastic comment about that.) Shaking off the pain, Phil stood up and tried to get his focus back. He limped to the street and tried to seek shelter behind a tree just in case any faculty member would somehow see him just standing in front of the school.

He looked around. He need to get to Turner Street.

_ Again, where the fuck was that?  _


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some reflection of Dan's past and Dan waking up after being abducted from school.

When most people reflect on their childhood, hopefully it is full of warm, sentimental memories that make the person feel loved and cherished. Dan, on the other hand, is not like most people. His happy life got ripped apart by his dad’s murder and his mom spiraling out of control afterwards.

He remembered being five and not quite understanding why the police showed up late to his house and pulled Dan’s mom into the kitchen. They were speaking in hushed tones and Dan was sitting on the couch and wanted to know what was being said. He remained clutching his blanket though, an instinct making him want to stay hidden out of sight. The feeling of uncertainty grew when he heard him mom start screaming and crying. Dan knew right then and there; his life was about to change.

He remembered an officer telling him that there was an accident and his dad wouldn’t be coming home. Dan didn’t fully understand. His mom locked herself away in the bedroom and her crying was clear through the walls. Dan stayed on the couch that night, hoping his dad would walk in. His dad always came home but he didn’t come home that night.The next days were a blur. Before Dan could comprehend what was going on, he was dressed in an itchy suit and holding a rose to throw down onto a coffin lowered in a dark hole. A framed picture of his dad was on a stand, looming tall. It wasn’t until that moment when he comprehended that his dad was dead. He would never see him again.

Dan needed his mom when he fell apart with grief. His mom needed the alcohol. He should have known that when the officer told him that he lost his dad, he also lost his mom. When his mom started to go out to bars to escape the house, she started meeting men who encouraged drinking and sex. And as more time went by, she was introduced to a whole new world of forgetting her sorrows when she had a needle in her arm or powder up her nose. Supporting a drug habit is tough so you do what you must to maintain that high- sell your body and get rewarded.

Over the years, no matter all the shit that has happened, Dan has been determined to never give up or stop trying to overcome his situation. It kept getting increasingly harder to maintain that attitude because each year proved more challenging than the last. His mom found worse men and kids became crueler the older they got.

After his mom brought Jim home, that was really when he wanted nothing more to run away or give up on his life. Sure, Dan had endured the drug dealers, the angry pimps, the random homeless guys, and the abuse... but Jim was different.

As soon as Jim locked eyes on Dan, it was as if Jim knew a secret that Dan didn’t. He went out of his way to insert himself in Dan’s life, which was immediately a red flag because all the other men really could care less. (Or, if they cared, it was only for the first couple of days before it was forgotten.) Jim would always be making sure to taunt or stare at Dan, his eyes always seeming to linger on his body.  After Jim attacked him, that random phone call saved Dan from a fate worse than just getting beat up.

You see, while Dan wanted nothing more at this point to give up in life, he couldn’t. He met Phil Lester and that reason enough to keep living.

*

It was the pain that woke Dan up. At first, he thought he was on his bedroom floor with Jim holding him down. However, when he slowly opened his eyes, he was meant with a dark dingy room. He scanned the small area only to be met with nothing familiar. The room had a concrete floor and the walls had the rafters exposed, and there was no windows. He tried to move, only to just then fully comprehend that he was in chair with ropes around him, binding him. The panic rose in Dan and he started to struggle against the ropes, praying he could magically wiggle free. His frantic movements caused his head pain to get worse and he had to stop his motions. Breathing deeply, Dan tried to think about what the fuck just happened to him.

His first thoughts were of Phil and how worried he must be. Phil must have noticed by now that Dan was missing. Dan gave a wry chuckle because of all the stupid shit in Dan’s life, being abducted from school in broad daylight was not something Dan ever thought would happen. He wished he could rewind the clock and not attend school today. They could have stayed in Phil’s room and Dan could have worked up the courage to kiss Phil. Why didn't he listen to Phil that morning? Why did his brush off Phil's worry so quickly? 

Dan struggled again to free himself from the rope, and swore angrily under his breath. “Jesus Christ, who tied this, a fucking boy scout?” Dan was too busy squirming and muttering that he didn’t realize there was a figure observing him in the doorway. That was why Dan let out a blood curdling scream when he got an answer to his rhetorical question.

“Why, yes- I was. I got a rope tying merit badge.” A voice from the shadows answered. “I’m glad to see you acknowledged my skill.”

Dan was frozen with shock because he knew that voice. He tried to form a sarcastic comeback but all that came out was a gasp. “You?”

The figure strode closer to Dan and crouched in front of him. With a soft touch, they ran one finger down Dan’s cheek. “It’s such a shame I have to do this, you know. I always liked you… and then he showed up and ruined everything.”

Dan could feel the panic rising again in his chest because he knew what the answer to his question was, but he still had to ask. “Who?”

The person starting laughing and gave a small pat to Dan’s cheek. “Oh - you already know. Phil-fucking-Lester. The lost boy who showed up and changed everything. Don't worry though, I let little Phil know where you are so he should be coming anytime now to our little party.” Dan forgot how to breath for a minute.

With another dark laugh, the person stood up and started to leave the room. They turned at the doorway and gave a little shrug. “I’m sorry you are involved like this but you see, you’re the bait and Phil is already running here to save you.” And just like that, Dan was left alone in the room screaming at the retreating figure to leave Phil alone.

With a strangled cry tearing from his throat, Dan knew that if his lost Phil, he would finally lose everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi... so it's been months. Hopefully, some people are still interested in this story.  
> I have been dealing with some personal issues and the biggest one was that I had to put my dog down and I am still a mess over the loss.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. I wrote this very fast so I really hope there isn't too many mistakes! And yes, it's very short. I am sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes- wrote and edited practically same day.   
> And yes, it was a long wait. I am an awful person and I'm sorry. <3


End file.
